Hola, mis amigos. Me encantan los blogs. ¿Te diste cuenta?Yes, here I am, blogging instead of studying... again. I really don't want this blog to be full of depressing and/or typical teenage life thoughts; I'd prefer it to stay light-hearted and filled up with stories about my misadventures and strange quirks. However, I'm in a ranty hopeful/slightly depressed mood at the moment (because, you know, that isn't a strange combination at all), so I'm just going to blog about something that's on my mind. That topic is (cue tension-y music): My own innocence and naivety.
If you didn't know me, and you heard me talking to my group of friends (ahh, you wonderful, wonderful misfits. I love you so), you may think that I was some sort of deranged whore, because I make so many silly dirty jokes.
Yeah, this could not be further from the truth. So, I'm going to admit something that the general internet-world probably doesn't need to know. I have never had sex. I have never had a relationship. Dear freaking Lord, I have never even been kissed. Not even a peck.
Wow, I felt kinda nauseous writing that. Hopefully a whole bunch of randoms don't come along and gang-judge me. I can just here them now: "Let's sacrifice the virgin! Mwahahaha!"
Hold up there guys, put the cult costumes and sacrificial knife away. Now.
I promise, I'll make sure this post stays entertaining; I don't want to put you to sleep with senseless whining.
Et hem. As I was saying, my entire life, I've been single. Not the object of any one's attention. Alone, if you will. Gosh, I do not want any sympathy, I'm just telling it how it is.
There is a little part of me that just wants to run up to the closest male life form and say "Take me, bitch!" but alas, I have high standards. Nay, very high standards. And you know what, I also have little-to-no social skills, so I'd probably be too afraid to talk to them.
I'm very critical of myself, but I will admit this: I am not ugly. In fact, I've been called beautiful by quite a number of people, even stunning on occasions (and no, this is not by Facebook whores, who seem to think anyone who takes a photo of themselves is the most gorgeous person alive).
I don't even think my social phobia is the biggest reason I've never been in a relationship, it's just that I'm so innocent.
Many people say that about themselves, but I can tell you that I take the meaning of the word to a whole new level. I mean, I grew up in a household that was always very open about "taboo" topics like sex, growing up, puberty, how 'bad' people in the World can be. So, it's not like I'm not aware of these sort of things in the World... I guess I'm just not comfortable with them. If I look at a guy and say "I'd tap that soo hard", what I actually mean is "My goodness, he is attractive. I think I would like to give him a nice hug. And maybe hold hands... if he gets lucky."
I remember reading some lifestyle article a few months ago that said something along the lines of this: If someone doesn't have sex with you within two months of you dating, you've drawn a short straw, and you should break up with them."
Like, what? I completely freaked out when I read this; I even started making these r-rolling noises that always seem to roll off my tongue when I flip out over something. I mean, I grew up in a Christian household that taught me that these sort of things were reserved for marriage, and I always liked that thought. That way you can be pretty sure that you're not catching any STDs, and you know that the person (excuse my crude language) is not just going to fuck you and leave you.
But you know, apparently having sex with anyone is as common as eating toast these days. Lovely.
I know that life isn't all fairytales and butterflies, but part of me still wishes I'll meet my ideal guy (tall, dark, handsome, nicely toned, deep thinking, caring, er, Latin) and we'll build up a nice, strong relationship and always be there together. Oh, and we'll share true love's kiss. Shut up, okay?
Did I mention that I kinda have a hygiene complex? Dettol instant hand sanitiser FTW! So the thought of even doing something like tongue kissing someone worries me. Ew. Saliva germs.
Gosh, I sound like I'm in grade 1... or Emma off Glee. Oh deary me, I hope I don't turn into that much of a germ-o-phobe.
Anyways, so I often make really sexual jokes (and quite frequently) to cover up the fact that I am terrified of anything sexual. Maybe it's because I've never had anything to do with that sort of stuff, maybe it's because I'm backward, maybe it's because those sorts of things have always been too acceptable in my household. I don't know, and I really don't intend to psycho-analyse myself right now.
Hey, I just came up with one. Maybe it's because I'm so darn spiritual. So, I've mentioned how much I adore The Phantom of the Opera. Well, it is completely littered with sexual metaphor. If everything was literal, I would have found the show profoundly uncomfortable to watch, but because it was metaphorical, it was so beautiful. It was art. And there were these small details in the show: the touch of a hand, the tension-filled gaze into an eye. For some reason, this all felt more intimate to me than anything sexual ever could. It was like, the true feeling of human connection, rather than some animal act. Now hey, I'm all for sexual reproduction (I don't intend to die a virgin, with no kiddies, you know), and I see how it an be an act of love. But, let face it, it's not treated as such in many cases.
Surely there's nothing wrong with me thinking the lyric:
"Floating, falling, sweet intoxication. Touch me, trust me; savour each sensation"
Is much more sensual than:
"Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm f*cking you"
Yet, one was said in the context of an embrace, and the other, in the context of meaningless sex. Gah.
The thing is, I've been hit on by random guys before, on countless occasions. I've been checked out, had sexual remarks yelled at me, hey, I've even been stalked by a group of men. But, I didn't actually enjoy any of this. I just hate the fact that people are judging whether they are attracted to me on a physical level, rather than a spiritual one. Obviously I don't have a problem with people being attracted to each other (otherwise, "It's Hip to be Hispanic" would never have been posted), but making it known to someone that you want them physically through the use of gestures, or verbally, just makes me feel slightly ill. I have been described as an 'Ice Queen', because I refuse to smile at men who are obviously checking me out. I'm not, really. It just... scares me, as I've said.
Now, I'm not here to stop the World from doing/liking whoever/whatever they want. Each to their own, honestly, I don't judge other people on these things. They just scare the innocent being that is me. Even though it's really cliche, I sometimes listen to Michael Buble's song (aforementioned in this blog title) to cheer myself up. I wish I could say "I'm okay going through life as a single person, it's all gee!" but I can't. I have such high standards when it comes to men, but it's only because I refuse to compromise myself, and what I want.
Despite the crazy odds, I hold onto the hope the one day I'll meet a guy who will accept and love me for all my weird and innocent quirks, and who I'll be able to accept and love in return.
I just haven't met him yet.
I'm not sure how to comment.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully, I was a lot happier before being in a relationship. The relationship itself was great (otherwise we wouldn't have dated that long) but you really do feel more empty once you've been dumped. The whole 'having a taste of something and then getting it taken away' thing. Being lonely before dating was much better than being lonely after dating.
I think what you've done with your life is a lot better in that way. Being scared isn't a bad thing (despite my comments, and slightly more experience, the idea of actual sex terrifies me. I've never even thought about it, to be honest. I'll day dream often but never like that. My brain cuts out before clothes are ever removed. I have had very chaste daydreams xD) and it's probably more of a good thing to be scared. Less chance of doing something stupid.
If you get in a relationship, make sure it is with 'the one'. I'm not saying that to be cheesy. I just mean, make sure you really, really like him, and you can actually see yourself with him for a long time. Breaking up hurts a lot more than most relationships are worth. Hence why you need to find someone who you are unlikely to break up with.
You've inspired me to blog about this now xD
Firstly, yay for blogging inspiration ;)
ReplyDeleteWow, I never knew that you felt that way. I can see how it'd be hard going from relationship to being alone. *gives big virtual hug*
hehehe. Ahh chaste daydreams. Mine are ridiculously so. If I ever do daydream, it usually stops... well, sometimes after hugging. Sometimes as early as meaningful dialogue. Usually after one kiss. xP The rest, my poor little mind can't really contemplate. Or particularly wants to. I mean, if I were to think about that in class, and then like, look over and see DrM or something. Like, ewww. baha.
Yay helpful advice! :D I can't really see myself getting in whimsical relationships or short relationshop, so hopefully, it shall be all good (then again, no-one can tell the future, but, whatevs). :)
Anyways, thankyou for your comment, Miss GoJo, it's probably incredibly silly, but it really did mean something to me.