Do or do not; there is no try.

Also known as "what in the world is university education?" and with a title quote from Yoda, how could this post not be awesome? Our theme to day is perseverance,  because God knows it's something that I'm having to put into practice right now. So I'm going to start by telling you all not to give up, no matter what is happening in your life right now. Why? Because you need to heard it. Everyone, even the most motivated and successful people, needs to heard it.

I've just received yet another major knock-back in life, but I'm strangely calm about it right now. I'm not sure how well I've divulged this before, but I'm currently in the process of changing universities. Not degrees, because EnviroManagement is cool. I'm just going back to my old institution. Which one would think to be a fairly smooth transfer, but it's really not. From the correspondence I've finally received from my new faculty, pretty much none of what I did this semester should be transferrable as anything more than credit. So if I want to graduate without adding any time to my degree, I'm going to have to do a lot of planning... And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. 

Right now, even though I haven't been academically advised on this, it's looking like I'm going to have to overload this semester and next semester if I want to get back on track to having a normal subject progression. Oh, and I need to do a second year elective next semester as well, but all of the second year electives from my elective bundle are either run in first semester, or have prerequisites that I haven't done, so I'm highly confused.

I really do want to change institutions, because the field work and company liaison that's offered there is invaluable. It's just bordering on ridiculous the amount of setbacks that I've had and am going to continue to have on the journey to get my degree! 

But as I said, this is a post about perseverance, and I make it not to whinge, but to demonstrate that even though things may not work out the first, second or even the third time, it does not mean that you should stop fighting to achieve your goals. Last year I gave up on myself, and this year is the kick in the pants that life is giving me for that. I'm going to continue to work really, really hard academically and in my personal life, and you all should too. 

I'm really discovering lately that there is no one 'good' way to live your life. There are so many paths and alternatives. The key to happiness lies not in your situation, but in your attitude. A few weeks ago, I told my partner that I was choosing to be happy, even though I was going through a rough patch. His response? "That's not real happiness. That's just faking it. You can't be happy unless good things happen." Everybody, I present you the worldview of someone who's never had anything seriously go wrong for them. As much as I adore him, he is so, so, so wrong. Real happiness comes from within. It comes with the peace of knowing that, no matter what external things are going on, you have control. You can choose to see the positives in life and be happy. And that is truly beautiful!

So when I finally graduate from university and hold my degree, and when I finally get to be with my boyfriend, and when my body finally works properly, and when I finally have a decent job, I'll look back at how I didn't give up, no matter what was thrown at me. Damn right I'll be proud. Even more so than if everything had come easily. And if some of those things don't happen? I won't be losing faith. Because there is always hope for the future if you try your best now. So keep working hard, everyone!

Questions of science, science and progress (do not speak as loud as my heart).

So I had a post drafted about mixed bags of lollies and existential conversations with R2-D2 figurines, but I interrupt those plans to bring you a post on my life, because big shitaki mushrooms have just gone down and I feel that I need to vent my vast amount of feelings on a non-obnoxious corner of the internet. It's almost frightening how fast situations can change, and I sitting here right now feeling like I'm floating in a huge bubble of emotion, and yet am still somewhat clam and numb.

Let me begin. This is going to be a post about my relationship, and if you can't deal with that, then run along and find some toy dinosaurs to play with instead of reading the remainder of this post. Last night I Skype'd with my boyfriend, which is nothing new because I pretty much always talk to him on Skype at some stage on a Saturday night, even if I've been out. But anyway, he called me and we were just having a fairly normal conversation, when he suddenly tells me that he has news about work. And at this stage, I feel relieved, because I've wanted closure on what he'd do after his 3 month internship in Germany ended pretty much since he left. But I also feel terrified, because I know that I may be about to get the news that I won't see him for years yet. There was so much tension in the air!

In the moment of truth, I find out that he's been offered a permanent job in London, and is going to be moving over there for good. Which is shattering. But then I found out that he's going to come back to Australia for a few weeks in June between the time of his internship finishing and his new job starting, because he wants to be with me. Which is exciting! And yet tough, because June is when I have all my university exams and am going to Fiji, so it couldn't really come at a worse time. He'd completely forgotten I was going to Fiji and almost broke down in tears (which would have made two of us, as I was crying like a baby) because we were going to miss more time together. So for the first time, I actually asked him to come back to Australia. And his response was pretty much "Yep. That's it. I'm definitely coming back. No questions asked. I want to be with you. I want to see you."

So I get to see my beautiful partner in around a month's time! It's going to be ridiculously hard when he leaves again after that though, because it really will be years before I see him again. Or at the very least, I'll only get to see him for a day here and there if he comes to Australia for a conference or specific celebration. I feel a little like I've been put into a blender and am being tossed around and around and getting all cut up, but I can't escape. It's all very intense. 

You have to understand our conversation last night lasted for five and a half hours, so whole a lot went on. Even after the initial finding out about his future plans, there were big relationship things that happened. Totally casually, I dropped the 'L' word for the first time in our relationship. Of all the ways of first telling someone I loved them, I didn't imagine it would come out in a conversation about facial hair. Think Monica and Chandler and Friends sort of first "I love you." I was actually in the middle of saying I wanted to wax his face when I said "Not that I'm not fine with you the way you are. Like, you know I love you and your face is great and... Oh. Wait, did I just say that? Ahhhh!" 

We can proceed to me being excessively embarrassed and my boyfriend giggling to himself like a little child and grinning like an idiot making incoherent noises while I hid my face. But then he pulled himself out of his stupor enough to get out "Ehehe, that's lucky, because I love you too!" and adding after I had involuntarily joined in the grinning and giggling "I've really thought I have for a while now, but saying it's not something you can plan or force, and you said it perfectly. It couldn't have come out better even if we'd tried." Which is amusing, because it certainly wasn't my ideal way I would have liked things to come out, but I'm so glad they have now. Over four months in a serious relationship and we've finally said it. Yaytimes!

But we also got into a bit of a tiff later on. It wasn't even over anything relevant, he can just get really condescending when someone doesn't think of things from a purely scientific perspective, which cheeses me off a lot. But anyway, I gave him a calm talking to about respecting my opinions and he seemed to take everything on board and feel bad about the whole thing, so that was good. But he had to go and freak out because we've only ever had one or two disagreements before and he was all "Ahhh, is this a fight, did we just have a fight? Ahhh!" I'm more calm when it comes to these things, because no matter how well you get along with someone, I know you just can't agree on absolutely everything, and there's no point over-reacting about it. And I didn't really see it as a fight. There was no yelling or blaming going on, and we calmly worked things out. But I do understand where he was coming from, because we pretty much always get along so well, it's easy to feel like that should just naturally the case. But all relationships have their ups and downs, and if peacefully talking out our differing opinions is the worst down, then I feel I have very little to complain about!

But apart from that, there were a good amount of just relaxed, nice times. He sung to me a fair bit, and I got a rendition of Coldplay's The Scientist which is pretty much the most relavent song in existence for our relationship and therefore never fails to reduce me to a gurgling pile of goo. But considering everything that had just happened, it seemed even more poignant than ever and I was pretty much just frothing at the mouth the whole time. Which is extremely attractive, I know.

Also, there were even more Star Wars references than normal, which is a pretty big feat, because both of us are huge Star Wars nerds. In different ways. I just love it and will bring it up in conversation a lot of because Star Wars is cool and whatnot... But he is full on geekin'. By which I mean he owns pretty much every piece of Star Wars merchandise known to man and has collectables in glass cases and huge replica props. I kid you not. And it's funny, because he actually thought I'd think he was too nerdy at the beginning of our relationship. Ha! I don't even think the concept of 'too nerdy' even exists to me. You can never have too much nerd! Though my boyfriend is the nerdiest peson I've ever met. No one else spends hours excitedly talking to their girlfriend about complex mathematical concepts and random space facts. Well, there must be others in existence, but I think they would be few in numbers. 

Wowza, so I wanked on about that for ages. But there you have it folks, I'm about to embark on a long relationship with someone who'll be in England! Wish me luck on the crazy roller coaster that it's going to be, and pray that I don't throw up on anyone or fall off and die. I almost fell over and died when his parting words to me last night were "Good night, my love." Like holy hell, did I just trade boyfriends or something? The most I usually get is "Bye!" or "Okay, night!" so opening the L-word floodgates must have really done something to him. Me gusta. But I digress. Nobody knows what these next few months or years will bring, but I'm going to give it my all! I'm going to need all the love and support and hugs I can get, but I'm going to do it guys. Now, somebody hold me! 

Ch-ch-changes (or how to semi-seduce your own blog without even trying)

Blogger, we have to talk. We've been a little distant these past few months, and I want you to know it's not you, it's me. Ha! Who am I kidding, it's you. But you're lucky, because I'm going to give you a second chance. What's this you say? You don't want my second chance because I've been neglecting your needs and leaving you lonely? You want me to promise to be a better blog-runner? Well then, this is awkward, because I didn't think we had a committal sort of relationship. How about we start our relationship from the very beginning again? After all, we've been apart for a very long time and I've changed a lot.

Where shall I start? Hi, my name is Pheebes. Actually, it's not, but for the past few years I've liked to imagine that it is. I've been getting called by the c-word (being my real name, not a term for a woman's vagina) so much recently that after 18 years on this planet, I'm almost starting to accept that it's actually my name. Oh the strangeness! Oh the humanity!

Ah right, I should say something other than my name. Maybe it would be easier to start with the things about me that are still the same.

- Green is still my favourite colour
- I still have strong, annoying opinions on everything
- Short hair is still hot on me and all girls in general
- I still live in the same city and have some of the same friends
- As a general rule, I'm still not really attracted to people
- Still nocturnal (but more of a morning person)
- And I still get myself into the most ridiculous situations

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire I am suddenly having a crisis of the self, because I just realised that I cannot think of anything else about myself that hasn't changed since I last blogged here. So let's start the introduction again.

Hi, I'm the artist formally known as Pheebes.
- I'm currently studying a Bachelor of Environmental Management at a university that's in the middle of a forest.
- My favourite band is The Smiths and I think that Morrissey is the most perfectly imperfect person currently walking this planet.
- I genuinely enjoy studying what I do and am convinced that one day I can make a difference to this world, even if it's in a small way.
- I'm just starting to get into environmental and conservation volunteering and the more I learn about the problems in the biosphere, the more of a greenie I become.
- I just made myself a liqueur affogato and it was awesome. Liqueur affogatos are actually my favourite drink.
- The first night I ever went out to a bar/club I met the guy who's my current boyfriend and we started dating a few days later.
- The fact that I was attracted to him proved to me that I'm capable of being attracted to people. Which was huge because I didn't know this was actually possible. I actually have a sexuality, guys!
- My boyfriend is a singer, dancer, aerospace engineer, socialite, space enthusiast and total hottie (by which I mean nerd.) He's also currently working in Germany as a rocket scientist and there's a 3.5 year age gap between us.
- This sucks a little. I don't really enjoy long-distance relationships /dramatically flips a table/
- I do enjoy going out and night and drinking in small amounts
- Don't watch anime anymore!
- I no longer have much of a social phobia! Hoorah!
- I allow for moral grey areas a little more than I used to. Hoorah? Boo? You decide.
- I just did a Kinsey Sexuality Scale Test and it said "The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person." Even tests think I'm an unusual person
- I'm currently recovering from anorexia, and recovery is going very well at the moment
- At the end of last year I lost 10kg in the very short period of a month and have put about 2kg of that back on
- I listen to a lot more mainstream music than I used to. This more than mildly disturbs me
- My kitten Pippy is now a crazy adult cat
- I'm extremely comfortable with the topics of body image and sexuality, which I did not used to be at all
- I've mostly stopped appearance-bashing myself, though my anorexia still gives me a bit of an obsession with how flat my stomach does or doesn't look
- But I no longer hate my own face! Yay!
- This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I no longer have acne. Yay x 12735261837!
- I don't hate the world
- I have goals and ambitions!!! Finally!!!
- My life, my past struggles and myself are all things that I am proud of
- I have my P2 manual driver's license
- Most importantly, I finally have a sense of self worth, and honestly believe that I should always fight for me

So Blogger, what do you think? Are you still keen on me? Do you think I'll still be able to provide you with strange and amusing anecdotes. Only time will tell, but for now let's just agree to start seeing each other again. Let's keep it casual and see where it goes; we could very well have something beautiful again!