10 Things You Should NEVER Say in Front of Adults

SEX! Now that I've got your attention...
The above line was probably the only thing I actually learnt at school today: a foolproof way to get people's attention. I know, that doesn't make my school sound corrupt at all.
Funnily enough, it actually leads into what I'm blogging about today: things that you should never say in front of adults, teachers, your best friend's Christian parents, or anyone who has any form of morals or tact. As I've written before, I have one of the strongest moral compasses in the World. The problem is, my mouth does not. Sure, I may be a respectable Christian girl-next-door, who's idea of having a good time involves going out for a nice meal or stage show with friends, or frolicking in a park, but I have absolutely no tact.
Think of everything taboo one could possibly say, and I will have said it in front of the most moral of people. So, to save you from suffering the same ill-worded fate as I, I've decided to make a list of the worst things I have blurted out. Enjoy!

WARNING: Some sexual and/or offensive conetent. Not that anyone will probably ever read this, but if you are, here's the heads-up.

1. "Did you say pornography?"
Said to my best friend's extremely Christian father. At the time, I hadn't even been over to their house very often, and therefore gotten to know them very well, so it was a major slip-up. I can't remember what exactly what was said, but it was probably something more along the lines of "Topography" or "Photography". I'll never forget the horrified/annoyed look on his face, and the way my friend almost literally facepalmed.
Luckily, my friend's parents got to know me better, and figured out that I was a good person, albeit one who often hears things wrong and interprets them badly.

2. [anonymous friend] "Ow. You just poked me so hard *winks*"
    "You bet I did!"
Actually, this happened today, thus inspiring me to blog about my unfortunate timing. With the amount of sexual jokes my friends and I make, it's not really "unfortunate" as much as "bound to happen", but that's not the point.
When the above comment was made, a male friend and I were actually in the middle of a poking war. Well, a whole group of us were just running around like a bunch of silly schoolgirls, poking eachother, and giving out random little slaps. So, technically, we were referring to the then current situation, but the underlying sexual innuendo was pretty obvious. Of course a techer had to walk past, just as we are saying this. I mean, I think of this friend in the most platonic way possible, but, teachers don't know that. The school I go to is... small, to say the least. Tiny is probably a better word. And the teachers gossip about the students so much. I can only imagine the staffroom gossip: "Did you hear [anonymous] flirting with [demisemiquavergirl]? And to think, their group used to be so innocent and hard-working..."

3. "ZOMG! MY BLANKET IS COVERED IN WHITE CRUSTY STAINS! LOOK AT THE PERVERTED DRAWINGS ON THE ROOF! DISGUSTING TEENAGE BOYS HAVE PROBABLY BEEN ALL TOUCHING THEMSELVES IN HERE AND I HAVE TO SLEEP IN THIS BED! AHH!"
... and that's only the beginning of what I said. Right now, you are probably very taken aback by these comments, so I'll shed some light on the situation. Let me take you back a few months...
It was late Autumn, and I was on a Biology camp on a small island just off the Eastern coast of [anonymouscountry]. My school group was staying at a Marine Biology Reseach Station that provided small dorms as accomodation. Usually, I would have had no problem staying in a place such as this, but, situations vary. While the station provided washed and cleaned sheets, their blankets looked as though they hadn't seen a wash in years. To make matters worse, the dorm I was staying in clearly had not always been one allocated to girls. Unless girls like to draw silly pictures of male genetalia on the roof, and write jerkfaced comments. It isn't impossible, but it's certainly less likely.
So, there I was, making myself at home on my top bunk, when I saw them. The disgusting, old, white, crusty stains. Anyone who knows me, that I am completely OCD over hygiene. Needless to say, I went mental. I freaked out to the max, and started yelling and crying and laughing; it was ridiculous. I was in a cabin full of my closest female friends, and they all lost it laughing. Until... we heard a knock on the door. Turns out the brick walls weren't so thick, and the teacher in the dorm next to us had heard every single word I said. He was not impressed. Of course, the most religious teacher in the school had happened to have a room next to us. I remember being so embarrassed, I had to get one of my friends to apologise for me, and explain the situation. The teacher turned out to be really understanding, and leant me his blanket. What a nice guy.
... too bad his blanket was covered in stains too. I don't think I need to say more...

4. "Imagine them, making out on the table of the library!"
Yet again, said in the presence of the teacher. This was a really awkward situation, because this teacher thought I was talking about them and probably another teacher, when, in reality, I was talking about another teacher altogether and the school librarian. Just to clear this up, my English teacher and the librarian do NOT have a thing, but they totally should.

5. "Miss [anonymous], we're chilling at your room for the rest of the period, right?"
Finally, something not so inappropriate. Here''s the deal- I'd just come back from a music excursion. Now, I would just like to say, I'm a good student, but I do like to skip classes to hang out at the instrumental music room. Well, only classes that I deem unimportant i.e Physical education and well, yeah, I just hate P.E. The best part is, because I am so involved in the school's music program, and on good terms with the teacher, my muso band buddies and I often do get to chill at the music room. The thing is, no other teachers are really aware of this. And, I happened to proclaim the above question in the school office, just as the Head of College was walking past. My instrumental teacher almost died with worry. Luckily, I don't think the HOC actually heard me, but it was still a thoughtless thing to say.
So here's a tip kiddies, don't say things that could potentially get teachers you like fired. Especially in front of their employer.

6. "... they were playing 'Pin the Penis on the Man' at the party!"
You bet it, just as the words leave my mouth, my Maths teacher walks past. He calls me by my full name and says "Your mother would be horrified to hear you talk about that sort of thing!"
He obviously does not know my mother because:
a) That was her story. She was the one who'd played that game at a highschool party. I was sharing only sharing it with my friends because, well, it's funny to hear such things about your parents.
b) My mother has heard me talk like that. I wouldn't call myself crude, but I live in a very open household. Bad language isn't commonly used, but we all like to have a good joke sometimes. Is that really weird?
Anyway, I don't think he thought I was such a nice, quiet student after that.

7. "[anonymous], do you have an itchy ballsack?"
That one night on band camp! Ah, I will remember that night with such fond memories.
No, I was not doing inappropraite things with instruments, or other bandmembers for that matter. Actually, it was just a night of laughter. Laughter that came as a result of that comment.
First, you have to understand that I posed the question to one of my female best friends, so obviously, I was just saying it to be stupid. But, you guessed it, just as I said it, one of the volunteer parents walks into our dorm and announces that "Dinner is ready!"
The timing made my friends and I lose it laughing. When I went up to get dinner, the guy actually winked at me! I think I ate a whole two pieces of pasta for dinner that night. The rest er, didn't really stay in my mouth because I was laughing so hard. The terrible thing is, some of my undigested dinner happened to land on one of my friend's plates... and he ate it. The laughter continued. The jokes just kept piling up, and I can now sum that night up in one acronym: IBS.
What is worse, is that the next day, the same volunteer was walking past, and just at that time, I decided to stick some of my stuffed animals in my bra, because I had not other way of carrying them (my hands were full with luggage). Of course, I had to make some silly joke about it. That poor volunteer dad, he must have thought I was completely insane.

8. "[anonymous], ooooh, I got your sext."
Of course I didn't get a sext from my friend; I've never recieved a sext in my life. I was being silly about recieving "Hi" text from a friend at the end of the table.
Here's the deal. I was out at a resturant with my friends for my bestie's 16th birthday. She had her family there too. And, oh dear, I was sitting next to her mother. This was the best friend whose father I asked if he had said pornography. Yeah, her mother is just as much of a Christian as her father, and a very moral person. I was pretty mortified when I realised how loud my voice was. Somehow, her family still likes me. Phew!

9. "[demisemiquavergirl] and I are married, we're allowed to express our love for eachother."
This was actually said by one of my best friends, not me. On the aforementioned biology camp, we had a short beachfront faux-lesbain-wedding, just as a joke. We've been kidding about being married ever since. But, on the bus back from another recent music excursion, my friend decided to tell the instrumental music teacher just what we could do because we were married. That poor woman, I had to keep reminding her that we were just kidding. She still looked quite disturbed.

10. "[anonymousteacher] is such a biased bitch."
Ooooh yeah, I was really fired up. My Biology teacher had dared to give me a B+, rather than the A I deserved. Now, you have to understand, I have never gotten fired up and fought with a teacher in my life... except this one time.
The last question on our Biology exam was "Should creationism be given equal weight to evolution when taught in schools. Give your opinion, and justify." So, I did. I said that it should be given equal weight, because both are only theories, and students should be given the opportunity to choose which they believe in. I wrote double the justification needed, and wrote the social and scientific consequences, yet, I still got marked down. Why? Because my teacher thought my opinion was wrong. How is it even possible to have a wrong opinion? Anyway, an argument over marks soon turned into an Atheist vs Christian all-out war. Of course, she overheard me venting my anger after class. Yet again, just my luck.

So, if you've bothered to read this whole post, then good on you!
... And the moral of the story is: don't say bad things. Keep them to yourself, or at least, don't say them in a public place. You're bound to be overheard.