Old Ladies Love it When I Talk Smut.

There is no doubt about it, I have impeccable timing. It seems to be predestined that whenever I say something completely and utterly embarrassing or sexual, someone who really shouldn't hear about it walks past. When I say 'walks past', I mean 'miraclulously turns up next to me for reasons unknown'. I don't know if this is the work of some celestial force, or a hint that I should acquire a less risque sense of humour.

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have been talking to Anonymous Albino about boobs in a public place, erm, year twelve area. But, sixteen year old boys often only appear to have one thing on their minds, and he needed to be scolded. I'm not sure how the topic got as whack as it did. Let me try and remember...

AA: I have a brilliant idea! Gingerbread women. With gobstoppers for breasts. I could make a fortune out of that.

Humph. Of course no menopausal teachers are ever around when he says things like that. Actually, that's a lie. Next to me, he gets caught out saying 'interesting' things the most. That's probably only because he mentions such things so frequently, though. Now, where was I?

DSGirl: You'll need to expand your industry. You're not going to make enough money out of gingerbread men with boobs alone.

AA: Oh course I would. I'm sure that if they were in adult stores, they'd sell.

I'm pretty sure they already do sell gingerbread women, guys. I'm pretty sure that at this point, one of the guys in our group put his head on the table in shame. Sadly my friends, this was only the beginning. The gingerbread argument turned into a girls vs. guys debate on what was actually good about boobs. It got kinda... funky.

DSGirl: They don't stay firm forever, you know.

AA: Alas, that is true. I was very sad to have learnt that.

DSGirl: Wait... There was a time when you didn't know that?

AA: I'm sure that as a little kid, I wasn't looking at old people and thinking "Wow, those boobs aren't firm anymore."

DSGirl: Yeah, but you'd still see older women and know that out of general observation. It's something that just happens, and that's okay, because it's not like you want some old women walking around being like "Hey! Look at my nice, firm brea-"

At this point, my Biology teacher magically appeared out of nowhere. Well, apparently everyone else had seen her walking up, but I'd been facing the opposite direction, and had failed to notice. My reaction was something along these lines:

My hand automatically flew to my mouth, as if it smother it, lest something even worse were to come out, and I couldn't see myself, but I can almost guarantee that I was blushing. To make things just that little bit less suspicious, everyone suddenly decided to cease talking altogether. My Biology teacher looked at us all very strangely. She thought that we had been talking about her.

BT: Were you talking about me? All I heard was 'old woman', so I hoped that you weren't talking about me.

Everyone hastily denied that the conversation had been about her.

Everyone: No! Now it wasn't-
AA: We were just talking about old people in general.

Yeah, really smooth. At least she didn't hear what I was actually saying. This post shows that I'm no stranger to making blunders in front of respectable people. The worst of these incidents was probably last year's Biology camp. Some of my female friends and I were staying in a cabin that obviously used to be a room for boys. The pornographic drawings on the ceiling made that all too clear. And, well, the people running the camp obviously hadn't washed the doonas we had to use, because mine had a few white crusty stains on it. Yes, my friends, I had some very interesting, and probably correct theories about this. I spent a good ten minutes screaming and cursing about this, when, to my horror, our friendly neighbourhood overly-Christian male teacher knocked on the door, and told me that he had heard every word I had said.

The moral of this story is: if you don't have something respectable to say, don't say anything at all. I'm only kidding, if you don't have something respectable to say, go ahead and say it! If you have half my luck, great amounts of hilarity will ensue. May the demisemiquavers be with you, munchkins!

[demisemiquavergirl], bite your tongue!

He no happy with you...