That's alright, isn't it? That's who you really are. Even after that time comes, I'll stay by your side forever [...] Let's go back to being our true selves.
The romance... It hurts. So. Good. *cries*
Basically, Ahiru wanted to give Mytho the last piece of his heart back, so he could kill this raven, and save Rue, who had decided he was in love with. But, the last piece was in her necklace, and her reluctance to end the story was stopping her from taking it off. She wanted her friends to be happy, but she was still worried about everything ending, and that when it did, she would go back to being a duck, all alone. So, she thinks that if she drowns herself in a lake, she'll die, and the last piece of Mytho's heart will return to him. Fakir, having had to write this down [urgh. Cannot be bothered to explain his writing powers], runs to her side. He pulls her into a romantic pas de deux (for all you ballet ametures, a dance between a man and a woman. It only only ever done if said people are deeply in love, sooo...) and promises that no matter what, he will always love her, and he will always be with her. Her true self is a duck, and his true self is someone who is weak of heart and has "done nothing but BE protected". Finally Ahiru realises that she's in love with Fakir, and she may be weak on her own, but he is her strength, and therefore, whatever comes, will come, and she is okay with that, because she has him. Dear goodness, it is so romantic. I'm getting all blubbery now just thinking about it. I should stop talking about this anime now. I talk about it way too much. And think about it way too much. I even bought the DVD set, even though I downloaded all the episodes. Which, was money well spent, by the way. The extra features and specials on the DVD are so great, and the booklet with all the cast interviews was just awesome... and hello, one of the DVDs had a FakirxAhiru picture on it.
Okay, so I totally just missed the point of this post by talking about PT. In there, all the characters become better people throughout the series. In all of the four main characters, I felt a little of myself mirrored. Actually, so much so that watching the show was sometimes confronting. But, anyways, they all made each other better people, and developed so much. I, on the other hand, am on a downwards spiral. The A -Grade student me can kiss my... hand. I have actually given up on caring about grades. I have said this so many times in my life, but, for the first time, I mean it. I really do. Something has changed within me; something is not the same. I don't want to develop into a bad person, I truly don't. But, part of me has given up on myself at the moment. Suddenly a pass has become as good as an A, and just getting through school has become as good as being epic at school. Being back for just one day has hammered me. I want to live my life to the fullest, but when I go to school, I just feel... Dead. Like some puppet, going through the motions, rather than living my life. I no longer want to achieve high. I just want to leave... quickly. Quite frankly, my life just feels wrong right now. I'm going through every day, feeling uneasy for no particular reason. Something's just not right. I feel like I'm meant to be in a different place to where I am. Did I stuff up somewhere along the way, and somehow epically defy what would have been a good fate? I don't know. I do know that I'd like a tall, dark and snarky hottie to tell me that he'd stay by my side forever, but then again, wouldn't everyone?
As always, I should be working on assignments. I don't care that I'm not. Part of me wants to fail. Part of me wants to run out of a classroom screaming. Part of me wants to laugh in my teachers' faces. Because, there is a part of me that is going to explode with frustrated emotion. I really don't want to stop trying my hardest at things, and be a lazy idiot, but just thinking about school work makes me ache inside and want to throw up. I feel like it's holding me back from something, but what? What? It's so frustrating. My heart is so obviously crying out for something, but I don't know what it is. Uck. I just looked at my Facebook wall. I don't even feel inclined to post anything. For some reason, reading everyone's posts disgusted me, even if they were posted by people I like and respect. It all just seems so insignificant. Most things at the moment seem insignificant. So then, why doesn't an anime about a duck-ballerina-chick, living in a world controlled by stories? I would like to talk to my dear friends about my problems, but whenever I go to say something serious, silly words come out of my mouth... Words that mean nothing, that I wish I wasn't saying. It's something I can write about, but it's something that I just can't bring myself to talk about. It's like, if you read this online, then it's almost a story. In real life, it's just that- real. I've never been the sort of person to share burdens with other people. I'm still like Fakir, at the beginning of the story: trying to do everything on my own, and getting annoyed by everyone around me. I don't want that, I want to change into the strong, compassionate hero of my own story; someone who is in control of what they do, who doesn't let life float by. I'm just... being held back, by something.
So, I'm going to do some soul-searching. I worry that it's not something inside of me that has to change, and that it's something external, that I have no control over. Nevertheless, tonight I'm going to look deep within myself, and hopefully discover something. If that means not doing my homework, or working on assignments, then so be it. I apologise if you've felt like you've wasted precious minutes of your life reading this post, I just needed to write it. It's like when I got told to be quiet today, because I was speaking so fast and crazily that no-one could understand me. The point of my speaking wasn't to be understood, it was to say the words in the first place, for my own sake. /sighs/ I know my life is going to get better, I just have to get through this horrible waiting period without turning to the dark side... even if they do haz cookies.
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