Do or do not; there is no try.

Also known as "what in the world is university education?" and with a title quote from Yoda, how could this post not be awesome? Our theme to day is perseverance,  because God knows it's something that I'm having to put into practice right now. So I'm going to start by telling you all not to give up, no matter what is happening in your life right now. Why? Because you need to heard it. Everyone, even the most motivated and successful people, needs to heard it.

I've just received yet another major knock-back in life, but I'm strangely calm about it right now. I'm not sure how well I've divulged this before, but I'm currently in the process of changing universities. Not degrees, because EnviroManagement is cool. I'm just going back to my old institution. Which one would think to be a fairly smooth transfer, but it's really not. From the correspondence I've finally received from my new faculty, pretty much none of what I did this semester should be transferrable as anything more than credit. So if I want to graduate without adding any time to my degree, I'm going to have to do a lot of planning... And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. 

Right now, even though I haven't been academically advised on this, it's looking like I'm going to have to overload this semester and next semester if I want to get back on track to having a normal subject progression. Oh, and I need to do a second year elective next semester as well, but all of the second year electives from my elective bundle are either run in first semester, or have prerequisites that I haven't done, so I'm highly confused.

I really do want to change institutions, because the field work and company liaison that's offered there is invaluable. It's just bordering on ridiculous the amount of setbacks that I've had and am going to continue to have on the journey to get my degree! 

But as I said, this is a post about perseverance, and I make it not to whinge, but to demonstrate that even though things may not work out the first, second or even the third time, it does not mean that you should stop fighting to achieve your goals. Last year I gave up on myself, and this year is the kick in the pants that life is giving me for that. I'm going to continue to work really, really hard academically and in my personal life, and you all should too. 

I'm really discovering lately that there is no one 'good' way to live your life. There are so many paths and alternatives. The key to happiness lies not in your situation, but in your attitude. A few weeks ago, I told my partner that I was choosing to be happy, even though I was going through a rough patch. His response? "That's not real happiness. That's just faking it. You can't be happy unless good things happen." Everybody, I present you the worldview of someone who's never had anything seriously go wrong for them. As much as I adore him, he is so, so, so wrong. Real happiness comes from within. It comes with the peace of knowing that, no matter what external things are going on, you have control. You can choose to see the positives in life and be happy. And that is truly beautiful!

So when I finally graduate from university and hold my degree, and when I finally get to be with my boyfriend, and when my body finally works properly, and when I finally have a decent job, I'll look back at how I didn't give up, no matter what was thrown at me. Damn right I'll be proud. Even more so than if everything had come easily. And if some of those things don't happen? I won't be losing faith. Because there is always hope for the future if you try your best now. So keep working hard, everyone!

Questions of science, science and progress (do not speak as loud as my heart).

So I had a post drafted about mixed bags of lollies and existential conversations with R2-D2 figurines, but I interrupt those plans to bring you a post on my life, because big shitaki mushrooms have just gone down and I feel that I need to vent my vast amount of feelings on a non-obnoxious corner of the internet. It's almost frightening how fast situations can change, and I sitting here right now feeling like I'm floating in a huge bubble of emotion, and yet am still somewhat clam and numb.

Let me begin. This is going to be a post about my relationship, and if you can't deal with that, then run along and find some toy dinosaurs to play with instead of reading the remainder of this post. Last night I Skype'd with my boyfriend, which is nothing new because I pretty much always talk to him on Skype at some stage on a Saturday night, even if I've been out. But anyway, he called me and we were just having a fairly normal conversation, when he suddenly tells me that he has news about work. And at this stage, I feel relieved, because I've wanted closure on what he'd do after his 3 month internship in Germany ended pretty much since he left. But I also feel terrified, because I know that I may be about to get the news that I won't see him for years yet. There was so much tension in the air!

In the moment of truth, I find out that he's been offered a permanent job in London, and is going to be moving over there for good. Which is shattering. But then I found out that he's going to come back to Australia for a few weeks in June between the time of his internship finishing and his new job starting, because he wants to be with me. Which is exciting! And yet tough, because June is when I have all my university exams and am going to Fiji, so it couldn't really come at a worse time. He'd completely forgotten I was going to Fiji and almost broke down in tears (which would have made two of us, as I was crying like a baby) because we were going to miss more time together. So for the first time, I actually asked him to come back to Australia. And his response was pretty much "Yep. That's it. I'm definitely coming back. No questions asked. I want to be with you. I want to see you."

So I get to see my beautiful partner in around a month's time! It's going to be ridiculously hard when he leaves again after that though, because it really will be years before I see him again. Or at the very least, I'll only get to see him for a day here and there if he comes to Australia for a conference or specific celebration. I feel a little like I've been put into a blender and am being tossed around and around and getting all cut up, but I can't escape. It's all very intense. 

You have to understand our conversation last night lasted for five and a half hours, so whole a lot went on. Even after the initial finding out about his future plans, there were big relationship things that happened. Totally casually, I dropped the 'L' word for the first time in our relationship. Of all the ways of first telling someone I loved them, I didn't imagine it would come out in a conversation about facial hair. Think Monica and Chandler and Friends sort of first "I love you." I was actually in the middle of saying I wanted to wax his face when I said "Not that I'm not fine with you the way you are. Like, you know I love you and your face is great and... Oh. Wait, did I just say that? Ahhhh!" 

We can proceed to me being excessively embarrassed and my boyfriend giggling to himself like a little child and grinning like an idiot making incoherent noises while I hid my face. But then he pulled himself out of his stupor enough to get out "Ehehe, that's lucky, because I love you too!" and adding after I had involuntarily joined in the grinning and giggling "I've really thought I have for a while now, but saying it's not something you can plan or force, and you said it perfectly. It couldn't have come out better even if we'd tried." Which is amusing, because it certainly wasn't my ideal way I would have liked things to come out, but I'm so glad they have now. Over four months in a serious relationship and we've finally said it. Yaytimes!

But we also got into a bit of a tiff later on. It wasn't even over anything relevant, he can just get really condescending when someone doesn't think of things from a purely scientific perspective, which cheeses me off a lot. But anyway, I gave him a calm talking to about respecting my opinions and he seemed to take everything on board and feel bad about the whole thing, so that was good. But he had to go and freak out because we've only ever had one or two disagreements before and he was all "Ahhh, is this a fight, did we just have a fight? Ahhh!" I'm more calm when it comes to these things, because no matter how well you get along with someone, I know you just can't agree on absolutely everything, and there's no point over-reacting about it. And I didn't really see it as a fight. There was no yelling or blaming going on, and we calmly worked things out. But I do understand where he was coming from, because we pretty much always get along so well, it's easy to feel like that should just naturally the case. But all relationships have their ups and downs, and if peacefully talking out our differing opinions is the worst down, then I feel I have very little to complain about!

But apart from that, there were a good amount of just relaxed, nice times. He sung to me a fair bit, and I got a rendition of Coldplay's The Scientist which is pretty much the most relavent song in existence for our relationship and therefore never fails to reduce me to a gurgling pile of goo. But considering everything that had just happened, it seemed even more poignant than ever and I was pretty much just frothing at the mouth the whole time. Which is extremely attractive, I know.

Also, there were even more Star Wars references than normal, which is a pretty big feat, because both of us are huge Star Wars nerds. In different ways. I just love it and will bring it up in conversation a lot of because Star Wars is cool and whatnot... But he is full on geekin'. By which I mean he owns pretty much every piece of Star Wars merchandise known to man and has collectables in glass cases and huge replica props. I kid you not. And it's funny, because he actually thought I'd think he was too nerdy at the beginning of our relationship. Ha! I don't even think the concept of 'too nerdy' even exists to me. You can never have too much nerd! Though my boyfriend is the nerdiest peson I've ever met. No one else spends hours excitedly talking to their girlfriend about complex mathematical concepts and random space facts. Well, there must be others in existence, but I think they would be few in numbers. 

Wowza, so I wanked on about that for ages. But there you have it folks, I'm about to embark on a long relationship with someone who'll be in England! Wish me luck on the crazy roller coaster that it's going to be, and pray that I don't throw up on anyone or fall off and die. I almost fell over and died when his parting words to me last night were "Good night, my love." Like holy hell, did I just trade boyfriends or something? The most I usually get is "Bye!" or "Okay, night!" so opening the L-word floodgates must have really done something to him. Me gusta. But I digress. Nobody knows what these next few months or years will bring, but I'm going to give it my all! I'm going to need all the love and support and hugs I can get, but I'm going to do it guys. Now, somebody hold me! 

Ch-ch-changes (or how to semi-seduce your own blog without even trying)

Blogger, we have to talk. We've been a little distant these past few months, and I want you to know it's not you, it's me. Ha! Who am I kidding, it's you. But you're lucky, because I'm going to give you a second chance. What's this you say? You don't want my second chance because I've been neglecting your needs and leaving you lonely? You want me to promise to be a better blog-runner? Well then, this is awkward, because I didn't think we had a committal sort of relationship. How about we start our relationship from the very beginning again? After all, we've been apart for a very long time and I've changed a lot.

Where shall I start? Hi, my name is Pheebes. Actually, it's not, but for the past few years I've liked to imagine that it is. I've been getting called by the c-word (being my real name, not a term for a woman's vagina) so much recently that after 18 years on this planet, I'm almost starting to accept that it's actually my name. Oh the strangeness! Oh the humanity!

Ah right, I should say something other than my name. Maybe it would be easier to start with the things about me that are still the same.

- Green is still my favourite colour
- I still have strong, annoying opinions on everything
- Short hair is still hot on me and all girls in general
- I still live in the same city and have some of the same friends
- As a general rule, I'm still not really attracted to people
- Still nocturnal (but more of a morning person)
- And I still get myself into the most ridiculous situations

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire I am suddenly having a crisis of the self, because I just realised that I cannot think of anything else about myself that hasn't changed since I last blogged here. So let's start the introduction again.

Hi, I'm the artist formally known as Pheebes.
- I'm currently studying a Bachelor of Environmental Management at a university that's in the middle of a forest.
- My favourite band is The Smiths and I think that Morrissey is the most perfectly imperfect person currently walking this planet.
- I genuinely enjoy studying what I do and am convinced that one day I can make a difference to this world, even if it's in a small way.
- I'm just starting to get into environmental and conservation volunteering and the more I learn about the problems in the biosphere, the more of a greenie I become.
- I just made myself a liqueur affogato and it was awesome. Liqueur affogatos are actually my favourite drink.
- The first night I ever went out to a bar/club I met the guy who's my current boyfriend and we started dating a few days later.
- The fact that I was attracted to him proved to me that I'm capable of being attracted to people. Which was huge because I didn't know this was actually possible. I actually have a sexuality, guys!
- My boyfriend is a singer, dancer, aerospace engineer, socialite, space enthusiast and total hottie (by which I mean nerd.) He's also currently working in Germany as a rocket scientist and there's a 3.5 year age gap between us.
- This sucks a little. I don't really enjoy long-distance relationships /dramatically flips a table/
- I do enjoy going out and night and drinking in small amounts
- Don't watch anime anymore!
- I no longer have much of a social phobia! Hoorah!
- I allow for moral grey areas a little more than I used to. Hoorah? Boo? You decide.
- I just did a Kinsey Sexuality Scale Test and it said "The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person." Even tests think I'm an unusual person
- I'm currently recovering from anorexia, and recovery is going very well at the moment
- At the end of last year I lost 10kg in the very short period of a month and have put about 2kg of that back on
- I listen to a lot more mainstream music than I used to. This more than mildly disturbs me
- My kitten Pippy is now a crazy adult cat
- I'm extremely comfortable with the topics of body image and sexuality, which I did not used to be at all
- I've mostly stopped appearance-bashing myself, though my anorexia still gives me a bit of an obsession with how flat my stomach does or doesn't look
- But I no longer hate my own face! Yay!
- This probably has a lot to do with the fact that I no longer have acne. Yay x 12735261837!
- I don't hate the world
- I have goals and ambitions!!! Finally!!!
- My life, my past struggles and myself are all things that I am proud of
- I have my P2 manual driver's license
- Most importantly, I finally have a sense of self worth, and honestly believe that I should always fight for me

So Blogger, what do you think? Are you still keen on me? Do you think I'll still be able to provide you with strange and amusing anecdotes. Only time will tell, but for now let's just agree to start seeing each other again. Let's keep it casual and see where it goes; we could very well have something beautiful again!

Princess Tutu 10th Anniversary: An Appreciation Post

Everybody has times when they feel that they are unable to reach their dream. But deciding that there is no way you can do something is nothing more than a way of comforting yourself when you lack motivation. Are you sure you are not fooling yourself about how you feel? About what exactly is most important to you? 

- Neko-sensei

On the 16th of August, 2002 an original anime aired in Japan that had been over a decade in the making. The anime was, of course, Princess Tutu.  My ultimate topic for fangirling and ranting. My guilty pleasure. A metaphysical masterpiece. A show that challenged what it meant to be a magical girl years before Madoka did. Quite possibly the best feminist anime since Revolutionary Girl Utena. A true gem for those who persist in watching past the first few episodes. And one of the most relatable works I have ever come across.

Obviously, yesterday was the show's 10th birthday and I'm weeping because I somehow managed to miss it, even though I'd been thinking about it since the beginning of the year. I feel as if I've missed my child's 21st or something ahaha. But even if I am a day late, I have to contribute my share to love towards to show on this momentous occasion. Lord knows I have enough of it.

If you've read my blog before, you know the drill. There are four main characters, all of which get their fair share of screen time and character development, and all of which play several different roles. It's kinda something like this:

Ahiru: Literally a duck, transformed by a sadistic, dead writer into...
A clumsy, genki, duck-like, sweet girl who goes to ballet school and crushes on the emotionless popular guy, which leads her to...
Transform into Princess Tutu, a fairytale character, from said sadistic writer's story, whose only role into the story was to confess her to to the prince and then vanish into a speck of light. However, her role in the current story is to help the prince regain pieces of his fractured heart.
Also, Fakir's muse later on.

Mytho: An emotionless, innocent and naive ballet student, popular with the ladies because of his effeminate features and faraway look. Actually emotionless because...
He's the prince from the sadistic writer's story. He's come out of the book after tearing his heart (and therefore apparently his emotions) out to stop a monster raven from eating it and taking over the world.

Fakir: An asshole who tries to stop Ahiru/Tutu from helping Mytho regain his heart. A dick who is physically and emotionally abusive. This is because...
He's been trying to protect Mytho since he came out of the story when Fakir was a small, orphaned child. Despite truly caring for Mytho's wellbeing, the main reason he doesn't want him regain his heart is because...
He's the incarnation of the knight from the same fairytale, whose fate was to protect the prince, but die in vain, being torn in half. Thus, whenever he tries to be a knight and fight with a sword, he fails. Which later leads him to discover that...
He is a direct descendant of the sadistic writer of the fairytale, who is currently controlling everyone with another story. He also has the power to make stories into reality, but only when he writes about Ahiru. Ship ship ship.
He is also a kawaii blushing dork who gets awkward about nudity and has a soft spot for cute, fluffy animals.

Rue: Mytho's apparent girlfriend at the academy. Originally Ahiru's rival in love, she looked as if she'd become the big bad because...
She is also the daughter of the evil raven from the story.
Or not, as you find out later. She was really just kidnapped at birth, deprived of human love, and told by the Raven that Prince Mytho, who loved all people, was the only person in the world capable of loving her.
In the end, she is the one who proclaims her love for Mytho and sacrifices herself for him, not Tutu.

Understandably, all the leads suffer from very serious and very real identity crisis. Though Ahiru can transform into the mature and talented Tutu, as a girl she is underdeveloped and downright untalented at dancing. As a girl she can have fun with her friends, she can talk to Mytho, squabble with Fakir and dance with Rue, but she's really a duck. And a mere duck can't do anything, right?

Rue doesn't have a clue 99% of the time whether she's really Rue, or if she's the villain Princess Kraehe. And despite her love for Mytho being so strong, how could he ever love her, if she was the daughter of his enemy? Fakir's got more issues than Windows Vista. He doesn't want to be a knight. He doesn't want to be a writer. He doesn't want to accept that he needs to be involved in any of this, and he is for Mytho's sake, and later Ahiru's. He struggles with massive amounts of self-doubt, but like everyone else, he pushes forward. Mytho literally doesn't even know who he is and although he wants to regain his heart, a lot of the feelings he gets back cause him more trauma than anything else.

What I think I love most about this show is that, despite having all these internal struggles, everyone saves everyone. And everyone saves themselves. The women in this show are never talked down as helpless, weak or in need of a man. Instead, they fight even harder than the guys for what they believe in. This is a show where the princesses save the prince. I also love their strength isn't shown as emasculating the men that they save. When the men need saving, they're glad of the ladies' kickass powers and determination. There's no sexist comments about Ahiru's flat chest, or Kraehe's plunging neckline. When there's disagreements between the group, it's because of clashing beliefs, not because of gender. It also makes me really happy to see the girls being as badass as they are, while still being feminine. Because there's nothing wrong with femininity. This is a show that says "It's okay to be girly. It's okay to have weaknesses. Most importantly, it's okay to just be yourself, whoever that may be. Just stand up for what you believe in, and fight for those you care about."

Speaking of fighting for those you care about, can I take this time to insert another Fakiru rant? There's so many wonderful things about them, but for me, these are a few of my favourite things.

1. Their relationship is based on mutual trust and respect and loyalty. Canonically speaking, it has nothing to do with lust or sexual attraction or idolisation. They see each other for who the really are, a dorky coward and a duck. And they fully accept each other for it.

Fakir: Everyone is scared of returning to their true selves, because they're used to being given roles in stories. The real you is a duck. The real me... in the end, the real me has done nothing but be protected since I was a child. Even if I'm truly like that, I still want the story to end.
Ahiru: [..] If that happens, I'll go back to being just a bird, won't I?
Fakir: [...] That's alright, isn't it? Because that's who you truly are. Even after that happens, I'll stay by your side forever
Ahiru: (thinking) [...] I'm weak, but for some reason, Fakir always makes me stronger.

Me: Fffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkk ;_;

2. They making an amazing team.

Ahiru: My feelings belong to me. That's the same with anybody's feelings. They're all precious. I am not a marionette.
Fakir: I won't sit and be frightened by fate while everyone faces it.
Ahiru: I want to protect Mytho!
Fakir: I will!
Both: Together!

3. They can share anything with each other.

Ahiru: I could go check this out if I was a bird, but... if it's Fakir.
*proceeds to turn into a duck, exposing her greatest vulnerability and weakness to someone who she was enemies with not long ago, because she's seen his most vulnerable side while she was her duck-self. And he's just about to get the shock of his life.*

4. Their interactions are hilarious.

I'll stop now, but yes, they are my beautiful otp team forever. It really is possible to ship any of the characters in this show together though, because their interactions are just fantastic. There are some final things that I would like to fangirl over, though. Firstly, the art of the show. A lot of art from that time period really, really hasn't aged well. But the pastel colours and and softer lines used have helped it stay looking pretty good. Also, the character designs are pretty definitive and have a nice style to them. Obviously there were some budget issues, which led to lots of panning shots of cels, but it blends in well and still fits quite nicely.

Lastly, I love how much darker and complex this show is than you'd expect. This is no happy, predictable fairlytale. Everyone challenges their prescribed roles. No one is who you think they are. None of the characters stay stagnant or the same. Even Ahiru's two comic-relief friends face trials and tribulations over the course of the narrative. Then there's the whole fate vs. free will debate that I will never get tired of. And Neko-sensei's deep rants when he's not talking about marriage. And the "Fakir-sees-Ahiru-naked-and-freaks-out" running gag. And the story's lack of a proper villain. And the classical music. And the ballet/ fairytale references. And the animal motifs. And the dancing. And and and...

This is all just the tip of the iceberg that is this fantastic show. Ten years on, and it's draw more peoples into its small, but dedicated fanbase every day. I've recommend it many times before, and I'll recommend it again. This show helped me find the strength to believe in myself, and push through that final awful year of high school. I've watched it in its entirety 9 times in the past year, one of those times being recently with my sister. I forced her to sit down and watch it, even though she was very skeptical. Within 9 episodes, she was begging me to let her watch it, and started marathoning ~7 episodes a day. So, if a generally mainstream 1D fangirl can appreciate the awesomeness that is Tutu, then you can too! Watch at least the first ten episodes, even if it is a push, and I guaranteeing you'll be given a very rewarding viewing experience. It would make me very happy if the Tutu love could continue to spread for many decades more!

This has been a Princess Tutu fangirl post by [demisemiquavergirl]. Tutu on!

High Definition Killed the Pixel Star

"I miss the games on the old computer. They should make all games old and pixelated. Modern games just aren't as good."

 - A.M

Uwaah, I am in despair. It seems that I can only blog when it's so late at night that I have lost what remains of my sane mind and inhibitions, so, as always, you can expect this post to be a mixed bag of lollies. So far, I've passed the stage of drowsiness, laughed my way through the period of excessive hilarity and I'm just coming to the end of a session of pondering the meaning of the universe and how this may or may not be related to the pattern of stripes on my cat. This, known to myself as the "Beijing Siri Ni~" phase can only occur between the hours of 12 and 6a.m. And let's face it, once you're there you're past the point of no return. On my journeys through the canals of my mind and the vast solar systems above I was taken back to my childhood. Pretty much all my pre-teen childhood was spent bordering on the poverty line, and without any government handouts during this time I might add, and I am positively proud of this fact. It could have made for a really horrible childhood, but it was really great because my parents, being the total badasses that they are, found lots of inexpensive ways to entertain my sister and I and let us know that we were loved. Aw.

One of my absolute favourite things to do as a young kid was to play retro games on a clunky old Windows 95 computer with my father. He was working full time and studying at uni, but he'd still dedicate one night a week to just relax with my sister and I, which I consider to be much more manly than a lot of the douchbaggery that gets labelled as such these days. I dare you to find something more manly than being a good father. Really, I'm in a confrontational mood, so doooo it tsun tsun tsun. On second thought, please don't, the dere side of me couldn't handle it, but that is irrelevant so back to the story. My sister and I were both tiny little kiddlings at the time, rendering us both fairly useless at gaming in the early years, so we'd often just crowd around our father and watch him with eyes wide and sparkling.

Despite the wonder that these games, which wouldn't have been considered modern, even in our earliest childhood, instilled in us at the time, I didn't expect this to really endure. But the other day my sister surprised me.  Proclaiming that she once again wanted to play Commander Keen, she hauled that beast of an old computer out of the shed and into the study, setting it and a screen as old as Confucious up just so she could once again play as our pogo-stick-jumping protagonist. She then proceeded to make her way through a bunch of old arcade games, ranging from Donkey Kong to Space Invaders to Elevator Action. Following this, she dabbled in (and gave up on) Catacomb Abyss and Prince of Persia. She then finished off the session with her personal favourite, Kings Quest V, before running away to change her MacBook background to a picture of Frogger.

Stranger still was that I had downloaded (and completely failed at installing) a bunch of these games only the day before, and hadn't spoken to her of it. Admittedly, this was only because I'd been unable to use a DOS emulator properly, despite my best efforts and I didn't want to openly admit this. But now I have, can I ask if anyone's ever successfully used one to play games before? Because I managed to get into the files, but I couldn't find any form of installer or .exe file. Le sigh. Nevertheless, we'd had the same thought.

I'd also been playing lots of indie games made with RPG Maker 2000 etc. in recent times and I love how their style is so reminiscent of older games. I marathoned parts of Ib, Ao Oni and Yume Nikki after I got home from my Japanese tutorial and really liked the aesthetics of all of them. Ib has an advantage, because I have a bit of a thing for creepy, colourful, almost childish aesthetics, mixed with some dark horror elements. Yume Nikki was so trippy, I thought I must have inhaled permanent marker or something, but I liked how distinctive it was, despite following the old RPG graphic style. Yume Nikki was simple, but effective. Apart from that purple monster thing that I remembered, having seen it in the whole 10 mins of HetaOni that I watched. What the actual hell is that thing?

After my ridiculously long and coffee-filled study session that I have planned for tomorrow, I'm thinking I'll play through the two English language visual novels that I downloaded yesterday, to bring myself back to the present. I really hadn't realised how many great legal, free games there were on the internet, so I'm having a bit of a frenzy at the moment. I'm almost finding it hard to comprehend going back to games with smooth, modern graphics, though. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but there's just something so otherworldly about pixelated graphics. It's not that I don't think modern games look incredible and have just as much potential, if not more, to have you completely immersed. But for escapism, I think I shall always return games with the look of yesteryear. Why? Because they imitate reality, but still look so far removed from it. That to me is just really enjoyable.

So, I guess we've got it pretty good these days in terms of games. There's amazing commercial releases for the HD hipsters and anyone interested, but there are still independent creators, making and re-making (re: Kings Quest I remake in the style of V. Amazing.) smaller releases that are sure to break the nostalgia-o-meter, which, for me, was broken before I even started.

What are your thoughts on the freeware market of the moment? Got any old games that were standouts in your childhood? Know anything useful about DOS emulators? Or maybe you think this all makes me sound like an old geezer? If you've got something to say, let me know!


[demisemiquavergirl]'s afterward note: Thanks for reading! I'm considering bringing back Excalibur, because he's 500x more sassy and sarcastic than I am. Any thought? Yes? No? Keep your dumb ninja who speaks like a lolcat to yourself? Also, some blog updates. I'm back to the old-style blogger, because the dynamic views really weren't impressing me that much. The ladies (well, technically one of them is a guy) in the background are from the fantastic manga Kuragehime. They were just meant to be a temporary fill to make my minimalist background seem less bland for the time, but I'm really liking them there. Of course, if my bby Excalibur comes back, I'll have to find somewhere to put him on the blog. Maybe my profile picture? XP

I've got various posts lined up with fangirling over things I've watched/ read/ played recently, Japanese tutorial anecdotes (they're so crazy, it never gets boring to tell them), gender/sexuality rants, chivalry talk, some fairytale stuff but if someone would like to suggest something really out-there that I wouldn't usually talk about, I'd love to cover it. But right now, it is past 2 in the morning and my eyeballs feel like fireballs, so oyasuminasai, tiny warriors.

**Will edit and add dl links for the freeware games tomorrow

Whimsical, Wayward and Willful: Or, how to survive half a year without ambitions

A.N: In the name of all large swords, it has been a long time since I was last here! Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I happened to remember this blog, finally. More to the point, it's getting close to midnight and my brain tends to lead me in all kinds of queer directions after the clock so much as strikes 10. Or 9. Or 8. Or any time really. It's rather inconsistent in that fashion. Ah, inconsistency! That is what has led me to this tale of woe! Or perhaps it is not the primary cause. You, dear reader, dissect the post and decide.

I can't stand writing posts merely about everyday life, but seeing as I have neglected to do so for the past six months, now might be a good time to start.

*~*

Once upon a time, there was a young maiden. For all her life, the girl had lived far from town, in a sheltered environment amongst those she loved most. Her only education was at small schools, with small communities of  their own, cut off from the big city. In this way she continued to live, dreaming about the day she could leave to seek her fortune in the big city, and achieve wonderful things. On the day of her seventeenth birthday, she felt a mix of nostalgia and excitement, as she prepared to leave her school days behind her. With the arrival of the new year, she set off to the largest university in the city, eager to forget the young person she had been and start anew.

But alas, things did not go as the young maiden had planned. Though she met many new people and tried many new things in her quest to find her 'true new' self, something was not right. Within a month of university she realised that she had betrayed her true feelings and values while caught in the hype of new experiences. And she was ashamed. Most shameful to herself was her short-lived dalliance. It was ridiculous. She had not liked the boy. She had completely disagreed with his values and somewhat loose morals. She had not been attracted to him at all, rather on the contrary. And yet, caught up in the feeling that she needed to try new things, and flattered, because her sheltered life had led her to believe that no one could ever care for her, she had a momentary lapse. However, before the month was out, she awoke from her daze and promptly ended things. Though she had done nothing of an inappropriate nature and remained pure, the girl could not shake the feeling of revulsion that she had been so foolish and naive as to be even slightly romantically involved with someone whom she had no feelings for. The consequences of such feelings led her to become an asexual feminist moralist, but that's another tale.

Fresh out of her failed phase of reinvention, the girl remembered something. She was at university to study! And with subjects in Japanese, western literature and tourism, there was much study to be done. Though the workload was heavy, the fair maiden... well, sometimes she worked hard and other times she didn't. But she pulled through, and that is what counted. Though she liked her courses well enough and considered herself quite skilled at them, the maiden still felt that she was missing something in her life. An existentially meaningful ritual structure? Definitely. A career that she wanted for the future? Undoubtedly. The ability to express the painful emotions she was feeling to anyone around her? Completely. But perhaps what was most absent from her life was purpose. Even if she were to see her degree through to the end, a career in tourism isn't exactly something that will make a meaningful difference, is it now reader?

In many ways, she missed music. She missed the security it provided her. She missed how it made her feel accomplished. She missed the little things, like being able to thoroughly analyse any piece of music when listening to it. But most of all, she missed the people whom she had shared her music experiences with. Even with these feelings, she knew that she could not return to the old days, and so she continued on her journey.

Back in the maiden's home, cracks were beginning to show in the sheltered paradise. Negative work environments and the possibly terminal illness of both their sets of parents set her respective parents on edge. Though, this tale has a slightly happier ending, with the family unit remaining strong and supporting each other, and the hard, but effective treatment of one of the maiden's grandparent's illness. But despite their robust nature, the family knew that they would need to support each other more than ever if they were to overcome their personal hurdles and survive the year.

Though she was acquainted with quite a number of people, the girl soon began to feel isolated, depressed and lonely. For the first time in her life, she considered escaping this cruel world. Just before everything was about to become too much, she was offered a job. It was a lowly job delivering pizza, but for a time it gave the girl some of her life's much needed purpose, and her mindset improved. However, the harsh environment of the job and the damage it led to being inflicted on her car quickly overpowered any good feelings she had towards her employment. Working many hours, her contact with people became even more sparse, and she began to feel alone again. Within two months, with twice-dented car and a little cash, her parents withdrew their consent for her working at the establishment and she was forced to leave. Despite this, she felt happy to have saved a little money and to have contributed something for a small amount of time. Liberation from her job had rejuvenated her spirits. And, feeling as such, she now prepares to start her second semester at the big university.

*~*

That should pretty much be a (very, very abridged) wrap of the past few months. I've made quite a few new friends and very sadly lost one old one. It's been quite the hard reality to face, because I always had the 'real' world depicted to me as a place where I could finally be accepted, without being subject to the juvenile opinions of teenagers. And I suppose that this is true, but I have been kicked in the pants everyday in so many ways that I didn't even know were possible. It really does annoy me to admit it, but the year thus far has been far more negative than positive. Simultaneously, this has made me appreciate the positives all the more, which is certainly good for character building! I also feel like, although I've made a lot of mistakes this year, I'm more sure of who I am because of them. I may still have no idea about my purpose and direction in life but hey, at least I know myself. So, let's have some happy cheers anyway.

I titled this 'how to survive without ambitions' because, obviously, I have managed to survive this semester without any. It's definitely not a recommended way to live your life, but it is doable. My top tips for if you're struggling to find long-term goals are.

1. Take things day-by-day. It's always good to plan for the future, but if you have no idea about what you want it to hold, chances are it's better for you to focus on more short-term goals. Such as "today I want to have a burrito." I found I felt best when I created goals around exercise, study and family, but it's different for everyone.

2. Convince yourself that there's at least something you want in your future life, even if it is "In 5 years time, I want to walk down the streets of Barcelona dressed as a horse." Because, that's something we should all strive for.

3. If the above fails, declare yourself a vagabond and laugh heartily.

4. Cry and whinge about it all day, every day. The tears will have to dry up one day, and then you'll be ready to head in one direction. Get it? I shall accept all awards for terrible 1D puns. 

5. Don't say YOLO. Really. It's a stupid acronym used by people to justify any immoral or unintelligent behaviour. Besides, reminding yourself that you only have one life when you're wasting it. De-press-ing. And no one likes a depresspot.

In other news, it's actually felt really wonderful to be writing for this blog again. I need to do some more fine-tuning on the layout if I'm going to use it again, but it honestly feels good to be back. Who knows for how long, seeing as I'm so inconsistent. So, let's enjoy this moment right now. One when I'm back in the bloggerverse.

Oh, did I mention that I'm strongly considering changing degrees at the end of the year. Because I am. As of yesterday. Whoot. Remember what I said about inconsistency? Inconsistencyyyyy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick luuuullabies, choking your aaaalibis. Ah! You're still here, listening to me basterdising Mr. Brightside by changing all of one word. I know, I know, I'm ashamed of me too. But, you'll get over it. And you shall love me for it. Maybe? Completely and utterly? My brain if definitely gone now, so I shall leave you.

That's all for today, folks! Keep tuned for more on the completely unpredictable whims of you friendly neighbourhood [demisemiquavergirl]. Until next time, stay full of ninja goodness.

じゃ、また！

New Years' Revolutions

Greetings Earthlings, I come in pieces. Having returned from my month long overseas trip of magnificence, I am now able to reflect on my life with a little more understanding of how little it means in the scheme of things (how fun). Never fear, I don't mean this in a gloomy way. More of a "holy Shi'ite persons, the world is a big place that's been around for a darn long time." I mean, I saw stuff that has been around since before Jesus. In Brisbane, you're lucky to see something that existed before me. So, because of this new perspective, I've been able to compose a decent list of New Years' resolutions, for the first time ever. Usually my list looks like this:

- Work harder at school (lol jks who am I kidding, I work harder than most people and I don't want to put in any additional effort)
- See lots of live theatre without having to pay for it
- Okay, pay for some of the theatre if I have to
- Have a social life
- I've changed my mind. I don't want a social life, just lots of good TV so I can forget I don't have a social life
- Fall in love. Fall in like? SHARE EYE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE IN A FRIENDLY MANNER?
- Find something substantial to put on next year's resolution list

But with a view like this on the NYE just past, how could I not write something with just a fragment more substance?

Going to the Trevi Fountain was actually a nightly thing while I was in Rome, because it was only a few streets down from where I was staying. Funnily enough, it was actually less busy than usual on NYE, but that's a story for another time. It certainly was a beautiful, albeit crowded, place to visit. Sadly, I couldn't party hard, because I had to catch a flight to Hong Kong the next day. This didn't stop the people in the apartment above us, though. They decided they'd like to set off mini-bombs and throw cartons of oranges all over the street. I don't know what was with the oranges. Maybe someone was personally offended by an orange once, so they took out their rage by throwing dozens of them to the streets? I'd wager money on drunkenness, but I prefer the first hypothesis.

Before I (finally) get into the resolutions, I'd like to bore you reflect a little upon the year that has been. It'll be short, I swear. I think the best way to describe that past twelve months is "bittersweet." I have this memory from about a year ago. My clicky clique and I all met up at Tenuto Tuo's place a few days before Year 12 started, met his then boyfriend, played Wii and just had a really good time. I remember thinking how everyone seemed so much more comfortable in themselves than I'd ever seen them before, and how ready we all seemed to leave school. This time a year later, I feel more inclined to say the opposite. The past year has been quite the challenge and I feel like it has broken a lot of people. Not beyond repair, but I think most people have cracks from the stress and just the general peculiarity of the year. I've gone through all the phases: confidence, apathy, frustration, apathy, determination, apathy, hurt, apathy, confusion, apathy, relief. Overall, I'd say I've been way too apathetic to life. It's the only reason I came out of this year much more unscathed than most: because I simply didn't care. That's not to say that I was all "I hate the world, diiiiiiiiiie everyone, diiiiiiiiie school, diiiiiiiiie!" although I am a terrible whinger at times! My problem is that I think in a past tense. Instead of thinking "Wow, this is amazing!" or "Wow, this can suck my... thumb" I think "In a few hours this will all be over, and I'll be in bed." And this is okay for getting through tough times, but it's not a satisfying way to live life. Therefore my first resolution is:

Have more enthusiasm!~ And yes, live for the moment a little more.

My social phobia has stopped me from doing a fair bit this year. Considerably less than last year, but it's still been a hindrance. Although it's slowly melting away, I'd like to start the new year by smashing it to pieces, so my next resolution is:

Talk to anyone you feel like. Say what you want to. Don't fear judgement. Have confidence in your own opinion and worth.


As well as gaining confidence, I need to take on more responsibility. I've lived a happy life with my parents and sister thus far, and although I don't rely on anyone too much emotionally, I need to learn to fend for myself in the world. I need to grow up, actually become an adult and look after myself. So, my third resolution is:

Become more financially independent and self-sufficient.


I also need to clean up my language. No self, it is not okay to swear in every single sentence, even if it is only in your mind. It also ruins long, persuasive sentences when you swear. But, damn fuck shit, it's so habitual. I've been saying this for five years, but I will conquer my potty mouth!

Swear less. A lot less.


My negative attitude has also ruined many experiences that would have otherwise been pleasant over the past few years. Gahn, I can be such a downer sometimes. And yet, so hyper others. I swear I'm not bipolar! Anyway, my natural facial expression seems to be a either a scowl, or look of apathy, even if I'm thinking nice happy thoughts or feeling good. So, I'm going to make sure I change it to a slight smile! And I'm going to overcome my mind battles and think of everything in a nicer light. Snarking can be cool, but not constantly.

Adopt a more positive attitude. Be happier!


I've been told by many people that I'm the sort of person who has the ability to achieve anything in the world, no matter how great or impossible it may seem. And not even in the way that you say it to every decent-seeming person. It's been... weird. But I've also been told that my lack of self-confidence stops me from doing anything, and it's true. I don't really have confidence in my ability to do anything, and it shows in everything I do. But, I want to love myself again! I don't mean that I want to have an ego complex, I just want to be able to accept myself for who I am, and realise that I'm not useless. Yes, I'm clumsy and forgetful, but I'm also talented and hard-working. Whoa, that was hard to write. But I want it to get easier! And it will get easier. This year, I will learn to love myself!

Have confidence in yourself. Love yourself for who you are, mistakes and all. Everyone makes mistakes, it doesn't make you worthless or incompetent.


Aaaand, now for something more practical. I've had my Learner's licence for just over a year now, and I've managed to drive the required 100 hours, but I still need 2 hours of night driving. Luckily, my travel hasn't really affected my driving skills at all, so I should be able to send in my logbook and try for a licence in the next few months. The university I'm going to go to is quite a far way away. Well, not really, it's just hard for me to get to. I live rurally, which mean I'm far out from the city and any form of public transport. Right now, if I want to drive anywhere, it has to be with my parents. So I really want to get my licence and save up for a car so I can have some freedom in how I get around! If I don't, I'll have to leave at 6a.m with my parents every morning. I'll drive to catch a bus, to interchange, to catch a train to get to uni. And then I'll have to do that to get home. Every single day I have a class or lecture. Fun, fun, fun, fun.

Get your Ps and save for a car.


There's this one I should also add in. Le sigh. I need to get fit. I have a perfect BMI and I'm not fat, but I am so unfit it's not funny. I see so little sunlight that I have to take vitamin D supplements, and I live in Australia. Mind you, I purposefully avoid the sun because other medication I take makes me super-sun-sensitive. And I'm pale as, so I burn easily. But enough with the excuses! I've never been fit in my life, and I need to stop using the excuse "I don't need to be fit, because I'm an academic!" to try and get out of it. Physical health is important too. This year is the year to fix it!

Get fit and be active!

 I'm rather terrible at staying in touch with people. My low self confidence causes me to not really want to message anyone, like ever. Even if they're my closest friends. So I'll often stay away from social networking for days or weeks at a time. I know, I'm a bad person. But there are so many people that I've seen every day for the past few years that I won't be in contact with ever again if I don't make the effort. It's time for me to stand up, and make sure I stick with the people I love. I will not let my stupid esteem be the reason for losing contact with wonderful people!

Stay in contact with school friends.


I think these can all be summed up in one single goal. Do I intend to do it? Oh heck yes. Do I think I will do it? Who knows. We'll just have to wait and see.

Let go of fear. Live your life to the fullest.


GRANT ME THE POWER TO REVOLUTIONISE THE WOOOOOORLD. I'm sorry, I watched way too much Revolutionary Girl Utena tonight, so I just had to.Waaah, nobody would have watched that show. But you all should, because it's amazing. That is, if you don't mind lots of symbolism, YMMV lesbianism, incest, metaphysical elements and old animation. But it really is a masterpiece. Go watch it. Now. I'm kidding, dark and disturbing magical girl animes are just my thing. Who am I kidding? I love mindscrew in general. 


That's all folks. Hopefully I'll be back soon, happily blogging on the random adventures I had in Europe and Hong Kong. But for now, I won't say sayonara, because I know we shall meet again~