New Years' Revolutions

Greetings Earthlings, I come in pieces. Having returned from my month long overseas trip of magnificence, I am now able to reflect on my life with a little more understanding of how little it means in the scheme of things (how fun). Never fear, I don't mean this in a gloomy way. More of a "holy Shi'ite persons, the world is a big place that's been around for a darn long time." I mean, I saw stuff that has been around since before Jesus. In Brisbane, you're lucky to see something that existed before me. So, because of this new perspective, I've been able to compose a decent list of New Years' resolutions, for the first time ever. Usually my list looks like this:

- Work harder at school (lol jks who am I kidding, I work harder than most people and I don't want to put in any additional effort)
- See lots of live theatre without having to pay for it
- Okay, pay for some of the theatre if I have to
- Have a social life
- I've changed my mind. I don't want a social life, just lots of good TV so I can forget I don't have a social life
- Fall in love. Fall in like? SHARE EYE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE IN A FRIENDLY MANNER?
- Find something substantial to put on next year's resolution list

But with a view like this on the NYE just past, how could I not write something with just a fragment more substance?

Going to the Trevi Fountain was actually a nightly thing while I was in Rome, because it was only a few streets down from where I was staying. Funnily enough, it was actually less busy than usual on NYE, but that's a story for another time. It certainly was a beautiful, albeit crowded, place to visit. Sadly, I couldn't party hard, because I had to catch a flight to Hong Kong the next day. This didn't stop the people in the apartment above us, though. They decided they'd like to set off mini-bombs and throw cartons of oranges all over the street. I don't know what was with the oranges. Maybe someone was personally offended by an orange once, so they took out their rage by throwing dozens of them to the streets? I'd wager money on drunkenness, but I prefer the first hypothesis.

Before I (finally) get into the resolutions, I'd like to bore you reflect a little upon the year that has been. It'll be short, I swear. I think the best way to describe that past twelve months is "bittersweet." I have this memory from about a year ago. My clicky clique and I all met up at Tenuto Tuo's place a few days before Year 12 started, met his then boyfriend, played Wii and just had a really good time. I remember thinking how everyone seemed so much more comfortable in themselves than I'd ever seen them before, and how ready we all seemed to leave school. This time a year later, I feel more inclined to say the opposite. The past year has been quite the challenge and I feel like it has broken a lot of people. Not beyond repair, but I think most people have cracks from the stress and just the general peculiarity of the year. I've gone through all the phases: confidence, apathy, frustration, apathy, determination, apathy, hurt, apathy, confusion, apathy, relief. Overall, I'd say I've been way too apathetic to life. It's the only reason I came out of this year much more unscathed than most: because I simply didn't care. That's not to say that I was all "I hate the world, diiiiiiiiiie everyone, diiiiiiiiie school, diiiiiiiiie!" although I am a terrible whinger at times! My problem is that I think in a past tense. Instead of thinking "Wow, this is amazing!" or "Wow, this can suck my... thumb" I think "In a few hours this will all be over, and I'll be in bed." And this is okay for getting through tough times, but it's not a satisfying way to live life. Therefore my first resolution is:

Have more enthusiasm!~ And yes, live for the moment a little more.

My social phobia has stopped me from doing a fair bit this year. Considerably less than last year, but it's still been a hindrance. Although it's slowly melting away, I'd like to start the new year by smashing it to pieces, so my next resolution is:

Talk to anyone you feel like. Say what you want to. Don't fear judgement. Have confidence in your own opinion and worth.


As well as gaining confidence, I need to take on more responsibility. I've lived a happy life with my parents and sister thus far, and although I don't rely on anyone too much emotionally, I need to learn to fend for myself in the world. I need to grow up, actually become an adult and look after myself. So, my third resolution is:

Become more financially independent and self-sufficient.


I also need to clean up my language. No self, it is not okay to swear in every single sentence, even if it is only in your mind. It also ruins long, persuasive sentences when you swear. But, damn fuck shit, it's so habitual. I've been saying this for five years, but I will conquer my potty mouth!

Swear less. A lot less.


My negative attitude has also ruined many experiences that would have otherwise been pleasant over the past few years. Gahn, I can be such a downer sometimes. And yet, so hyper others. I swear I'm not bipolar! Anyway, my natural facial expression seems to be a either a scowl, or look of apathy, even if I'm thinking nice happy thoughts or feeling good. So, I'm going to make sure I change it to a slight smile! And I'm going to overcome my mind battles and think of everything in a nicer light. Snarking can be cool, but not constantly.

Adopt a more positive attitude. Be happier!


I've been told by many people that I'm the sort of person who has the ability to achieve anything in the world, no matter how great or impossible it may seem. And not even in the way that you say it to every decent-seeming person. It's been... weird. But I've also been told that my lack of self-confidence stops me from doing anything, and it's true. I don't really have confidence in my ability to do anything, and it shows in everything I do. But, I want to love myself again! I don't mean that I want to have an ego complex, I just want to be able to accept myself for who I am, and realise that I'm not useless. Yes, I'm clumsy and forgetful, but I'm also talented and hard-working. Whoa, that was hard to write. But I want it to get easier! And it will get easier. This year, I will learn to love myself!

Have confidence in yourself. Love yourself for who you are, mistakes and all. Everyone makes mistakes, it doesn't make you worthless or incompetent.


Aaaand, now for something more practical. I've had my Learner's licence for just over a year now, and I've managed to drive the required 100 hours, but I still need 2 hours of night driving. Luckily, my travel hasn't really affected my driving skills at all, so I should be able to send in my logbook and try for a licence in the next few months. The university I'm going to go to is quite a far way away. Well, not really, it's just hard for me to get to. I live rurally, which mean I'm far out from the city and any form of public transport. Right now, if I want to drive anywhere, it has to be with my parents. So I really want to get my licence and save up for a car so I can have some freedom in how I get around! If I don't, I'll have to leave at 6a.m with my parents every morning. I'll drive to catch a bus, to interchange, to catch a train to get to uni. And then I'll have to do that to get home. Every single day I have a class or lecture. Fun, fun, fun, fun.

Get your Ps and save for a car.


There's this one I should also add in. Le sigh. I need to get fit. I have a perfect BMI and I'm not fat, but I am so unfit it's not funny. I see so little sunlight that I have to take vitamin D supplements, and I live in Australia. Mind you, I purposefully avoid the sun because other medication I take makes me super-sun-sensitive. And I'm pale as, so I burn easily. But enough with the excuses! I've never been fit in my life, and I need to stop using the excuse "I don't need to be fit, because I'm an academic!" to try and get out of it. Physical health is important too. This year is the year to fix it!

Get fit and be active!

 I'm rather terrible at staying in touch with people. My low self confidence causes me to not really want to message anyone, like ever. Even if they're my closest friends. So I'll often stay away from social networking for days or weeks at a time. I know, I'm a bad person. But there are so many people that I've seen every day for the past few years that I won't be in contact with ever again if I don't make the effort. It's time for me to stand up, and make sure I stick with the people I love. I will not let my stupid esteem be the reason for losing contact with wonderful people!

Stay in contact with school friends.


I think these can all be summed up in one single goal. Do I intend to do it? Oh heck yes. Do I think I will do it? Who knows. We'll just have to wait and see.

Let go of fear. Live your life to the fullest.


GRANT ME THE POWER TO REVOLUTIONISE THE WOOOOOORLD. I'm sorry, I watched way too much Revolutionary Girl Utena tonight, so I just had to.Waaah, nobody would have watched that show. But you all should, because it's amazing. That is, if you don't mind lots of symbolism, YMMV lesbianism, incest, metaphysical elements and old animation. But it really is a masterpiece. Go watch it. Now. I'm kidding, dark and disturbing magical girl animes are just my thing. Who am I kidding? I love mindscrew in general. 


That's all folks. Hopefully I'll be back soon, happily blogging on the random adventures I had in Europe and Hong Kong. But for now, I won't say sayonara, because I know we shall meet again~

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

Yesterday, I found my first gray hair. I don't know how this is possible, considering the fact that I fairly frequently dye my hair a particularly dark shade of brown. But somehow, I gray ninja managed to defy all scientific reasoning, and escape the colouring. I must admit, at sixteen years of age, the last thing I expected to see when brushing my dark bangs, was a shiny, gray hair. What's with that anyway? Why is grey hair so much thicker and shinier than the rest? Maybe it's just because it wants to be all "Hey bros, look at me! I'm in ur hairz, makin u look old."

I like this idea much better than the scientific explanation of "It's because you're getting old. Old as in, closer to dying. Dying as in dead. Nothing. No longer part of this world." Because, let's face it, when you're sixteen, the last thing you want to think about is growing old and dying. So, like everyone who wants to ignore the truth, I swiftly ripped the grey hair from my head. Most people would simply throw it away, and pretend that it was never there. I, being my melodramatic self, went running through the house, waving it in the air and dramatically yelling

"I HAVE A GRAY HAIR! AT SIXTEEN! I'M GOING TO DIIIIIIIIE! WHY MUST I GET ALL THE BAD GENES IN THIS FAMILY? WAAAAAH!"

This was followed by a ranting session to my Dad about how he shouldn't have had the right to procreate. You see, my Dad started going grey around the time he entered highschool. I was hoping that I would get my Mum's genes for greying, because she is in her forties, and has probably had as many grey hairs as I have now. Unluckily, I got her extremely thin hair, rather than my Dad's think, dark head of gorgeousness. That's right, I got the thin hair and they greying. It is my common complaint that I got all the stuffed genes in the family. My parents usually respond with "Well, you are smart like us!" Little do they know, I was only talking about appearances.

Now, dear readers, I don't want you to all go out and assume that I am a hideous beast. I'm not great at complimenting myself, but this isn't true. I just seem to have ridiculously bad luck sometimes. I seem to always choose duds, and I have the worst luck when it comes to being overheard in conversation. But that's okay, because these things make for excellent anecdotes, don't they?

Surprisingly, I'm glad that I found a gray hair on my head. Why? Because I have been getting much too complacent about life at the moment, and assuming that things can just go on without changes or consequences. The hair proved to be the perfect visual reminder that life is short, and no matter what age you are, you cannot take anything for granted. My biggest fear in life is putting myself out there; sharing an opinion with people, even just simply talking to people, or posting something where it can be seen. I've hidden behind this fear for at lest five years, but now I've resolved to change it. The worst thing you can live with in life is regret, and doing nothing is worse than stuffing up.

One of the main reasons I haven't been blogging a lot lately, is because I don't want this blog to have too serious a tone, and I've had a lot of stuff going through my head. That and the fact that my computer completely crashed at least five times and had to go through days of intensive repair. Thankfully, it should be all good now.

Have you ever had a wake-up call about your life? Do you have any weird theories about why grey hair is so different? Feel free to share. My newest one is that the one grey hair was actually Excalibur in the form of a hair, being there just to bug me.

And remember the saying that everyone writes in birthday cards: growing up is mandatory, but growing up is optional. Or something like that. Just trust me though, I may be growing older, but I won't be growing up any time soon.

Just Haven't Met You Yet: The Confessions of an Innocent Mind

Hola, mis amigos. Me encantan los blogs. ¿Te diste cuenta?Yes, here I am, blogging instead of studying... again. I really don't want this blog to be full of depressing and/or typical teenage life thoughts; I'd prefer it to stay light-hearted and filled up with stories about my misadventures and strange quirks. However, I'm in a ranty hopeful/slightly depressed mood at the moment (because, you know, that isn't a strange combination at all), so I'm just going to blog about something that's on my mind. That topic is (cue tension-y music): My own innocence and naivety.
If you didn't know me, and you heard me talking to my group of friends (ahh, you wonderful, wonderful misfits. I love you so), you may think that I was some sort of deranged whore, because I make so many silly dirty jokes.
Yeah, this could not be further from the truth. So, I'm going to admit something that the general internet-world probably doesn't need to know. I have never had sex. I have never had a relationship. Dear freaking Lord, I have never even been kissed. Not even a peck.
Wow, I felt kinda nauseous writing that. Hopefully a whole bunch of randoms don't come along and gang-judge me. I can just here them now: "Let's sacrifice the virgin! Mwahahaha!"
Hold up there guys, put the cult costumes and sacrificial knife away. Now.
I promise, I'll make sure this post stays entertaining; I don't want to put you to sleep with senseless whining.
Et hem. As I was saying, my entire life, I've been single. Not the object of any one's attention. Alone, if you will. Gosh, I do not want any sympathy, I'm just telling it how it is.
There is a little part of me that just wants to run up to the closest male life form and say "Take me, bitch!" but alas, I have high standards. Nay, very high standards. And you know what, I also have little-to-no social skills, so I'd probably be too afraid to talk to them.
I'm very critical of myself, but I will admit this: I am not ugly. In fact, I've been called beautiful by quite a number of people, even stunning on occasions (and no, this is not by Facebook whores, who seem to think anyone who takes a photo of themselves is the most gorgeous person alive).
I don't even think my social phobia is the biggest reason I've never been in a relationship, it's just that I'm so innocent.
Many people say that about themselves, but I can tell you that I take the meaning of the word to a whole new level. I mean, I grew up in a household that was always very open about "taboo" topics like sex, growing up, puberty, how 'bad' people in the World can be. So, it's not like I'm not aware of these sort of things in the World... I guess I'm just not comfortable with them. If I look at a guy and say "I'd tap that soo hard", what I actually mean is "My goodness, he is attractive. I think I would like to give him a nice hug. And maybe hold hands... if he gets lucky."
I remember reading some lifestyle article a few months ago that said something along the lines of this: If someone doesn't have sex with you within two months of you dating, you've drawn a short straw, and you should break up with them."
Like, what? I completely freaked out when I read this; I even started making these r-rolling noises that always seem to roll off my tongue when I flip out over something. I mean, I grew up in a Christian household that taught me that these sort of things were reserved for marriage, and I always liked that thought. That way you can be pretty sure that you're not catching any STDs, and you know that the person (excuse my crude language) is not just going to fuck you and leave you.
But you know, apparently having sex with anyone is as common as eating toast these days. Lovely.
I know that life isn't all fairytales and butterflies, but part of me still wishes I'll meet my ideal guy (tall, dark, handsome, nicely toned, deep thinking, caring, er, Latin) and we'll build up a nice, strong relationship and always be there together. Oh, and we'll share true love's kiss. Shut up, okay?
Did I mention that I kinda have a hygiene complex? Dettol instant hand sanitiser FTW! So the thought of even doing something like tongue kissing someone worries me. Ew. Saliva germs.
Gosh, I sound like I'm in grade 1... or Emma off Glee. Oh deary me, I hope I don't turn into that much of a germ-o-phobe.
Anyways, so I often make really sexual jokes (and quite frequently) to cover up the fact that I am terrified of anything sexual. Maybe it's because I've never had anything to do with that sort of stuff, maybe it's because I'm backward, maybe it's because those sorts of things have always been too acceptable in my household. I don't know, and I really don't intend to psycho-analyse myself right now.
Hey, I just came up with one. Maybe it's because I'm so darn spiritual. So, I've mentioned how much I adore The Phantom of the Opera. Well, it is completely littered with sexual metaphor. If everything was literal, I would have found the show profoundly uncomfortable to watch, but because it was metaphorical, it was so beautiful. It was art. And there were these small details in the show: the touch of a hand, the tension-filled gaze into an eye. For some reason, this all felt more intimate to me than anything sexual ever could. It was like, the true feeling of human connection, rather than some animal act. Now hey, I'm all for sexual reproduction (I don't intend to die a virgin, with no kiddies, you know), and I see how it an be an act of love. But, let face it, it's not treated as such in many cases.
Surely there's nothing wrong with me thinking the lyric:
"Floating, falling, sweet intoxication. Touch me, trust me; savour each sensation"
Is much more sensual than:
"Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but tonight I'm f*cking you"
Yet, one was said in the context of an embrace, and the other, in the context of meaningless sex. Gah.
The thing is, I've been hit on by random guys before, on countless occasions. I've been checked out, had sexual remarks yelled at me, hey, I've even been stalked by a group of men. But, I didn't actually enjoy any of this. I just hate the fact that people are judging whether they are attracted to me on a physical level, rather than a spiritual one. Obviously I don't have a problem with people being attracted to each other (otherwise, "It's Hip to be Hispanic" would never have been posted), but making it known to someone that you want them physically through the use of gestures, or verbally, just makes me feel slightly ill. I have been described as an 'Ice Queen', because I refuse to smile at men who are obviously checking me out. I'm not, really. It just... scares me, as I've said.
Now, I'm not here to stop the World from doing/liking whoever/whatever they want. Each to their own, honestly, I don't judge other people on these things. They just scare the innocent being that is me. Even though it's really cliche, I sometimes listen to Michael Buble's song (aforementioned in this blog title) to cheer myself up. I wish I could say "I'm okay going through life as a single person, it's all gee!" but I can't. I have such high standards when it comes to men, but it's only because I refuse to compromise myself, and what I want.
Despite the crazy odds, I hold onto the hope the one day I'll meet a guy who will accept and love me for all my weird and innocent quirks, and who I'll be able to accept and love in return.
I just haven't met him yet.