"Everyone here's so depressed. Except for you. You're always so optimistic," says [vs49688] in his usual blunt fashion, cutting the silence that surrounded our table. I couldn't help but laugh at this comment, seeing as I have often been described as one of the most pessimistic people ever. It was true, though, my mood was considerably lighter than that of my companions. That is not to say, I was not carrying some inward problem, or feeling displeased by the events of the day, but I was certainly dealing with it the best. Not that I had half as much to deal with as my fellow table dwellers. I wish now that I had had more to say to them, and better advice to give, but, I am not one who is well informed in those areas. Then again, I don't really think anyone is. I think that's one of the hardest things at the moment, the fact that everyone is going through such different things, and holding problems inside your heart, or sharing them with the people around you, it just doesn't seem to make a difference, whichever one you choose. It doesn't resolve anything, and even if the people around you try their hardest to be helpful and sympathetic, it's never enough.
Damn verisimilitude. I really do wish that I had never come across the word. Simply, it means "having the appearance of the truth". Not that this is unknown to all the seniors. The problem with this word is, it has actually made me question the truth about, well, everything. It's made me question who people are, truthfully, and who I am. Am I what I appear to be? I'll admit, I'm trying to be much more open about who I am. I mean, I told a teacher that I hated school, despite knowing that my comment will probably be shared with other teachers, and my "oh-so-good-student" reputation will be completely flushed. Not that it wasn't already headed down the drain, anyway. The thing is, I do hate school, and this is a well known fact. But, today I realised that it is something that I hide behind a lot. School is the one thing that everyone has in common, so it's easy to say that you're having problems with it, because people will be able to empathise with you in some way. If someone says "You look down, what's wrong?" it's hard to tell them that you are having a spiritual crisis that can't even be explained with words, you're too afraid to even talk half the time, because you don't want to say the wrong thing, you're sad, because you're little heart is full of love, but the only thing you can bring to bestow this upon is stories and animes, which don't even exist and will therefore never be able to tell you how they feel, you're scared of losing the people around you, even though you genuinely despise people in general, you feel inadequate and that you will never be good enough at anything/ for anyone. Did I mention that that's the tip of the iceberg? I can imagine that people could read this and think to themselves "You know what, shut up. Those aren't even issues." and I understand that, because everyone goes through a completely different set of events in life, and therefore has things affect them differently. The one thing we share is overlapping destinies. I can't even work out if I believe in destiny or not, because sometimes I very strongly do, and sometimes I very strongly don't. I do believe, however, that we all have different paths in life. Do these paths overlap, simply be seeing someone, by talking to them, by being close with them? Or, can these things sometimes merely take us off the course which me are meant to be heading on, veering us off-track, and taking away from who we are meant to be.
... hold up, I lost myself. I do apologise for that last part, because I really don't know what I was trying to say. Well, I know what I'm thinking, but as always, my articulation isn't that crash hot. Oh fffffff- yeah. I need to go practice instrumental. I didn't get to practice at all on the long weekend, seeing as I was off being sick and all. Somehow, I know my instrumental teacher isn't going to take "I was so sick, I couldn't even move out of bed" as an excuse for not practicing. She is going to end me. And, rightly so, in a way. I can't play my pieces well at all, and my motivation is starting to severely lack. Still, I don't think I should be held accountable for poor health. I best be off to try and make my skills at least adequate for tomorrow. I shall leave you with a song that I have been listening to on repeat. I'm a big fan of creepy/epic classical (well, I would consider this romantic, but that's just being pedantic), and found myself completely drawn to this song. Noooo, it was not in a certain anime that I am obsessed with, but have vowed to have nothing to do with for a week to prove to myself that I am not completely addicted. Pfft! That's not the point, anyway. It's an epic song, and actually reflects my current mood somewhat. No, I am not feeling deathly, just, odd... Then again, that's nothing new. Buenos tardes, amigos! Wishing everyone a peaceful and calming evening, to end a monotonous and bland day.
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