I swear, I watch way too much television. I'm not even a big buff, I'm just a serial escapist. Despite the fact that the formula is getting pretty old, I've been watching The Biggest Loser almost religiously again this year. Watching a bunch of fatties rearrange their lives is surprisingly interesting, I must say. This week, four eliminated contestants were brought back to the game, and had to compete in a challenge whereby they had to steal each other's basketballs for ten minutes (boring filler challenge much?) and whoever had the least basketballs at the end of this time was to be eliminated. There was this one chick who everyone deemed to be the biggest threat, and was the only contestant that I had actually taken a liking to this series. Whenever she had competed in challenges in the past, she had absolutely smashed them, and gotten into 'the zone'. This challenge was not like that. She completely broke down, and basically gave up. Heck, when it as confirmed that she had lost, the poor girl stopped being able to breathe, and the medic had to be called in. When she could breathe again, she confessed to feeling like she had failed her boyfriend (a fellow competitor) and herself.
At the moment, I feel like I am that girl. Up until this year, despite all the problems I've had, I've felt like a strong, unstoppable person, even if I haven't always loved (or even liked) myself. Now, I feel like a complete failure. I've pretty much given up on myself, and all the ambitions that I had. I don't even know what I should be aiming for, and even if I did know, I doubt I'd be motivated enough to work towards a goal. For example, my massive music extension assignment is due in ten days time, and I haven't even started it. This bothers me a lot, and I have pledged to start it tomorrow. But, it doesn't bother me for the right reasons. It should bother me that I have had this assignment since January, and I've barely even thought about it. It should bother me that I've been so terrible at time management. It should bother me that it's now pretty much impossible for me to get an A for it, but I easily could have if I'd started it earlier. It should bother me that I'm no longer aiming for the stars with grades. These things just don't phase me at the moment. Here's what does:
-I keep telling myself what should be bothering me. Who's to say what's right? I need to accept how I feel, and trade telling myself what I should be for telling myself how I am.
-God. He is amazing. He is my rock; my everything, and he loves me no matter what. Every day that goes by, I feel Him with me even more. Good Friday was a very spiritual day for me. Thinking of how Jesus died for me was humbling and heartbreaking in a way that it had never been before. I know that God is with me, but I don't know what He wants from me. To quote Jesus Christ Superstar "Show me there's a reason for you wanting me to die. You're far too keen on when and how, but not so hot on why" I know that I'm feeling how I am for a reason, I just don't know why. I wish I had direction.
-Frankly, I feel unloved, and I feel like no-one will ever love me, save the Lord. I've said this a few times in my life, and everyone aways half-laughs at me, like I'm being absolutely stupid when I say it, but sometimes I genuinely believe it. I've ranted on it enough, we all know that I want a fairytale. Well, not really. I just want someone who will be my strength, and stand by me no matter what. I'll admit, I've watched Ahiru and Fakir's dance from PT more times than I can count on my fingers. It's just so wonderfully romantic, when he says "Even when that happens, I'll stay by your side forever" and she goes from feeling suicidal, to feeling empowered and loved and says "Fakir makes the weak me stronger..." Oh dear, what I wouldn't do to have someone to make the weak me stronger, and stay by my side forever. Aw nuts, I've gone into sappy territory again. Do I need to say it any more clearly? I am sick of being alone, and having to be my own strength. I'm a crumbling person, and my own strength can't support me for much longer. I've always done everything alone (it took all my strength to not insert another PT reference here) but I don't want to anymore. I'll admit, I think I'm pretty awesome at being someone to lean on, but I'm not very good for myself, because my self encouragement is usually "Do better you worthless idiot!"
-I was just reading [MissInvisible]'s blog, and he was talking about formal partners. I think it's pretty awesome that I'm going with [ClearlyUnfocused] as a same-sex-heterosexual couple, even though she still needs to ask me out (tut tut)! However, the fact that I don't actually have anyone else to go with just reminds me of how alone I am. I won't get to look back on my formal and be like "Yeah, that was my partner, kiddies! I sure upgraded when I met your father *chuckle*" Okay, so I'm totes taking a hottie, and I am going to look back on formal photos, really happy that they include one of my best friends, as opposed to some dude that I just went with so I could have a date. I just have a bit of bruised ago at the moment. I'll get over it. I always do.
-My family is insane. At Easter lunch today, both my great-grandfather, my grandmother and my father cracked jokes about viagra. The former was easily the most disturbing as you can imagine. But, apart from that, no one really talked to each other. Heck, my Mum came into the bathroom when I was washing me hands and asked me if she could hide from my relatives with me. To be fair, my relatives didn't even really try to talk to me, and they are seriously annoying and full of issues. I still wish that I could have had a nice family Easter lunch, though. I wish that all the relatives didn't let their issues get in the way of everyone having loving relationships. My immediate family is awesome. My relatives are... mostly crazy. I hope I can get on with them after school. I don't even know why some of them won't talk to me, I mean, their problem is with my parents, not me. Gosh, people.
-I sound like a whingey emo kid on this blog. I'm so sorry people, I'm not like this is real life! Well, I am, but I try to cover my issues by laughing them off and cracking lame jokes. Here is my ranting place. I think I'm going to talk more about the things that I like, and less about my problems in the future. I keep saying that, but I really am trying. I can imagine that these rants are less than entertaining.
-Recently, I've built my life on things that don't exist. I've thought more about characters than real people. I've thought more about what I could be in fantasies than what I really am. I've thought more about the past and the future than the present. I've wasted so much time watching anime, pretending that I could have a life like that. I've taken all the problems I have, and made them into one big metaphor that I don't even understand, for no apparent reason. I haven't accepted the fact that I'm back at school. I haven't accepted my current situation. I've just tried to deny reality. Which isn't a good thing, because when you come back to reality, it hits you really hard. In my case, you end up lying in a ball, hugging a pillow and freaking out something chronic.
I shall stop word-vomiting now. I need to go to bed, because I need to get assignments done tomorrow, and I have a feeling that I shall be up quite late tomorrow night. To put this post into a few words, I don't like my life at the moment, I want to be loved, and I need to learn myself. Oh, and I need to work harder and accept reality. Have I already blogged about this? Probably. I'm going round and round in circles at the moment, waiting for the day when someone tugs my hand and puts me on the right path. But, I'm guessing that I'm just going to have to stop walking and realign myself. See what I mean about the weird, confusing metaphors? xP
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