Poker Face

Bonjour, my little blog followers!
I am writing to you with, wrapped in a snuggie, cradling a wheat bag while someone twists a knife in my insides... Well, it feels like that anyway. Ah yes, I just love debilitating sickness, it is just oh so fun. After having read the Lonely Plant guides to Paris, Rome and London, cover-cover (twice!) I find myself with not much to do, but lie around in pain. Currently, I'm trying to distract myself by blogging, but my touch keypad is so dodgy and is typing everything a good half second slower than I am, so it is making me more annoyed than anything.

Right! I did come here to actually blog with a purpose, so let the anecdote begin! Two days ago, my mother had a birthday party. Almost everyone in family is fairly antisocial, so actually holding a gathering was a pretty big and uncommon event. That said, when my family actually puts on a party, boy, do we put on a party. I helped out heaps with everything, and my Mum had a great time, which was awesome. Anyway, we were talking afterwards, and I told her that I was really depressed and worried about school, and that everything wasn't going so well. Before that, I'd just assumed that everyone knew hoe much I was hating school, and that I was having a bad time. Apparently not. My parents are particularly attentive, and yet my own mother had not even noticed that I'd been struggling with school-related depression for a good 2 months.

That really made me realise something: I hide my emotions, feelings and beliefs so much. How would someone know how you'd been doing, when you only ever described your day as 'Ehh'? I pretty much just walk around with a poker face, trying to show as little emotion as possible. Even when I do get emotional, it is usually very calculated. Like, I'll say to myself "I give you permission to smile now" or "I give you permission to cry now" or "I give you permission to be upset". I don't like it when I'm not in full control of my emotions, which is a problem, because, try as I might, my face often ends up giving away exactly how I feel, unless I'm able to somehow think of something unrelated. It's pretty silly- trying to be an emotionless being. I mean, I've even given up commenting on videos on YouTube because I'm so afraid that someone might see my comment and reply, or dislike it. Why should I even care what random people think?

It's not like it's even people I don't know that I mainly try and seem neutral too. When I talk to someone, I very rarely being up problems that are personal to myself, and if I do, it's often in a joking manner. Heck, I don't even usually talk about the things I like to people; I usually let them choose what they want to talk about, and go along with that. I think to myself "Who wants to hear about me? Everyone else has their own set of likes and dislikes, their own things to worry about. Why would I impose mine on them?" I even do this with my own parents, which is pretty terrible, because parents generally want to be there to support their own children. You know, I don't even ever listen to music, unless it's with earphones, because I don't want other people (even my family) to hear what I'm listening to. I know they wouldn't care, or judge me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I suppose that's it: I'm too afraid to share myself with other people. Heh. I really am socially inept. Sometimes, I even avoid replying to things on Facebook that people have sent me, because I think that I'll have a lame reply. So instead, I read how everyone else talks it out and hope that next time I'll have something that I deem worthwhile to say. It's quite pathetic, really.

... And strange. I truly love bring there for people, and helping them through tough times, but if I were to confess to having an issue, other than the well-known "I hate school", I would feel strange and see myself as weak. This isn't really good, because I usually end up getting so filled with built-up worry and depression, that it all just comes out in one big session of sobbing and warbling. It certainly ain't pretty.

So, somehow in my strange mix of social inept-ness, hatred of showing weakness and self-issues, I have become someone who has troubles sharing anything about themselves. You know, used to be the most social and outgoing kid. Every kiddie wad my friend, every little dude wanted to marry me, and I never stopped talking about anything and everything. I'm not quite sure where it all went wrong, and I became this wannabe pokerfaced introvert. I'm sure that being bullied for a good 4 years if my life had something to do with it, along with my annoyance at those who talked and thought of nothing but themselves. Which is kinda what I do on this blog, but oh well. This is my outlet, and I've come to really need it. Most of my life, I've kept a diary, and I guess this blog has replaced it.

I'm beginning to feel many of my close friendships slipping away from me, because of my unwillingness to communicate. I really do want to have a chat with everyone, but, I just can't bring myself to, for some reason. I do feel like I'm missing out, when I hear that everyone stayed up late talking to each other, or just sending strange messages. But, so much of me abhors social networking and chats (especially MSN. I hate MSN with all my being. I feel so trapped when I get on it, so I rarely do anymore) that I feel like I can't face going on there. Why I've been able to become so attached to blogging, I'll never know. It doesn't really make much sense.

Anyway, moving on. I hope that everyone hasn't forgotten me, or hates me because I don't come online much, and I have trouble talking about myself. It's a weird antisocial trait, and I am trying to get over it. It's not going well, but I'm trying. I'm sorry for being so strange, and not having normal issues or feelings. For better or worse, it's just the odd kiddo that I am.