A.N: In the name of all large swords, it has been a long time since I was last here! Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, I happened to remember this blog, finally. More to the point, it's getting close to midnight and my brain tends to lead me in all kinds of queer directions after the clock so much as strikes 10. Or 9. Or 8. Or any time really. It's rather inconsistent in that fashion. Ah, inconsistency! That is what has led me to this tale of woe! Or perhaps it is not the primary cause. You, dear reader, dissect the post and decide.I can't stand writing posts merely about everyday life, but seeing as I have neglected to do so for the past six months, now might be a good time to start.
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But alas, things did not go as the young maiden had planned. Though she met many new people and tried many new things in her quest to find her 'true new' self, something was not right. Within a month of university she realised that she had betrayed her true feelings and values while caught in the hype of new experiences. And she was ashamed. Most shameful to herself was her short-lived dalliance. It was ridiculous. She had not liked the boy. She had completely disagreed with his values and somewhat loose morals. She had not been attracted to him at all, rather on the contrary. And yet, caught up in the feeling that she needed to try new things, and flattered, because her sheltered life had led her to believe that no one could ever care for her, she had a momentary lapse. However, before the month was out, she awoke from her daze and promptly ended things. Though she had done nothing of an inappropriate nature and remained pure, the girl could not shake the feeling of revulsion that she had been so foolish and naive as to be even slightly romantically involved with someone whom she had no feelings for. The consequences of such feelings led her to become an asexual feminist moralist, but that's another tale.
Fresh out of her failed phase of reinvention, the girl remembered something. She was at university to study! And with subjects in Japanese, western literature and tourism, there was much study to be done. Though the workload was heavy, the fair maiden... well, sometimes she worked hard and other times she didn't. But she pulled through, and that is what counted. Though she liked her courses well enough and considered herself quite skilled at them, the maiden still felt that she was missing something in her life. An existentially meaningful ritual structure? Definitely. A career that she wanted for the future? Undoubtedly. The ability to express the painful emotions she was feeling to anyone around her? Completely. But perhaps what was most absent from her life was purpose. Even if she were to see her degree through to the end, a career in tourism isn't exactly something that will make a meaningful difference, is it now reader?
In many ways, she missed music. She missed the security it provided her. She missed how it made her feel accomplished. She missed the little things, like being able to thoroughly analyse any piece of music when listening to it. But most of all, she missed the people whom she had shared her music experiences with. Even with these feelings, she knew that she could not return to the old days, and so she continued on her journey.
Back in the maiden's home, cracks were beginning to show in the sheltered paradise. Negative work environments and the possibly terminal illness of both their sets of parents set her respective parents on edge. Though, this tale has a slightly happier ending, with the family unit remaining strong and supporting each other, and the hard, but effective treatment of one of the maiden's grandparent's illness. But despite their robust nature, the family knew that they would need to support each other more than ever if they were to overcome their personal hurdles and survive the year.
Though she was acquainted with quite a number of people, the girl soon began to feel isolated, depressed and lonely. For the first time in her life, she considered escaping this cruel world. Just before everything was about to become too much, she was offered a job. It was a lowly job delivering pizza, but for a time it gave the girl some of her life's much needed purpose, and her mindset improved. However, the harsh environment of the job and the damage it led to being inflicted on her car quickly overpowered any good feelings she had towards her employment. Working many hours, her contact with people became even more sparse, and she began to feel alone again. Within two months, with twice-dented car and a little cash, her parents withdrew their consent for her working at the establishment and she was forced to leave. Despite this, she felt happy to have saved a little money and to have contributed something for a small amount of time. Liberation from her job had rejuvenated her spirits. And, feeling as such, she now prepares to start her second semester at the big university.
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That should pretty much be a (very, very abridged) wrap of the past few months. I've made quite a few new friends and very sadly lost one old one. It's been quite the hard reality to face, because I always had the 'real' world depicted to me as a place where I could finally be accepted, without being subject to the juvenile opinions of teenagers. And I suppose that this is true, but I have been kicked in the pants everyday in so many ways that I didn't even know were possible. It really does annoy me to admit it, but the year thus far has been far more negative than positive. Simultaneously, this has made me appreciate the positives all the more, which is certainly good for character building! I also feel like, although I've made a lot of mistakes this year, I'm more sure of who I am because of them. I may still have no idea about my purpose and direction in life but hey, at least I know myself. So, let's have some happy cheers anyway.
I titled this 'how to survive without ambitions' because, obviously, I have managed to survive this semester without any. It's definitely not a recommended way to live your life, but it is doable. My top tips for if you're struggling to find long-term goals are.
1. Take things day-by-day. It's always good to plan for the future, but if you have no idea about what you want it to hold, chances are it's better for you to focus on more short-term goals. Such as "today I want to have a burrito." I found I felt best when I created goals around exercise, study and family, but it's different for everyone.
2. Convince yourself that there's at least something you want in your future life, even if it is "In 5 years time, I want to walk down the streets of Barcelona dressed as a horse." Because, that's something we should all strive for.
3. If the above fails, declare yourself a vagabond and laugh heartily.
4. Cry and whinge about it all day, every day. The tears will have to dry up one day, and then you'll be ready to head in one direction. Get it? I shall accept all awards for terrible 1D puns.
5. Don't say YOLO. Really. It's a stupid acronym used by people to justify any immoral or unintelligent behaviour. Besides, reminding yourself that you only have one life when you're wasting it. De-press-ing. And no one likes a depresspot.
In other news, it's actually felt really wonderful to be writing for this blog again. I need to do some more fine-tuning on the layout if I'm going to use it again, but it honestly feels good to be back. Who knows for how long, seeing as I'm so inconsistent. So, let's enjoy this moment right now. One when I'm back in the bloggerverse.
Oh, did I mention that I'm strongly considering changing degrees at the end of the year. Because I am. As of yesterday. Whoot. Remember what I said about inconsistency? Inconsistencyyyyy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick luuuullabies, choking your aaaalibis. Ah! You're still here, listening to me basterdising Mr. Brightside by changing all of one word. I know, I know, I'm ashamed of me too. But, you'll get over it. And you shall love me for it. Maybe? Completely and utterly? My brain if definitely gone now, so I shall leave you.
That's all for today, folks! Keep tuned for more on the
じゃ、また！
