Five Non-kinky Things to do After Dark

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a girl alone at night must be in want of something to do. See what I did there? Intertextuality, people! Anyhootballs, we all know that I loves me some nighttime. In fact, without fail, I am the last person up and about in my house. Usually I stay in my room, with the door shut, because my day-dwelling parentals like to think I go to sleep at the same time as them. However, the past few nights, I've been trying to see just how much I can get away with. Trying to sneak around your house, for little to no reason, is no mean feat when you have the co-ordination of a sloth on drugs. Luckily for this slothy, people in my house don't mind sounds that could indicate their house is being robbed, or they like to ignore them. So, you're probably wondering what the heck I've been up to. On with the list!

1. Pretend to be a zombie.
This one, I trialed last night. Wait until everyone is in bed, and the house is pitch black (or as close to this as you can possibly get). Walk through every room of your house, covering as much distance as possible, with your arms extended and flopping like a zombie. If you're really keen, you can make deathly noises, but I didn't go that far. It would kinda defeat the purpose of this activity anyway, seeing as the aim is to make as little noise as possible a.k.a try not to whack into everything with your zombie arms. I did fairly well at this, for me. Though, despite having arms outstretched, I did somehow manage to walk face-first into a door frame. Ouch.

2. Run away.
So, two nights ago, I tested the theory that I could run away from home without my parents noticing. I packed some stuff into a bag, got dressed, and turned off the light in my room, which was of course the only light still on. I would like to add a disclaimer here, and tell you all that I had no intention of running away from home because there's nowhere interesting to go in my neighbourhood. And I love my family and home very much. Aaaanyway, you have to sneak across the house, fully dressed, without anyone noticing that you're even out of bed. This would have been easy, if not for the fact that my darn boots liked to make lots of noise on the tiles, so I had to move at the pace of a slug to get them to be quiet. Once you get to a door that you know hasn't been locked with a key, open it. Pray that you don't do what I did, and choose a door that has a set of blinds, a glass door and a sliding door to get through. Yeah, I swear it took me 15mins just to get the door open and closed again. Then, sneak across your front yard without turning the sensor lights on, and jump over the fence, because the electric gate is bound to make too much noise. Aaaand, you're out! Too bad I had nowhere to go. I decided to lie down on the grass and stargaze for half an hour before starting the whole process in reverse. This is time consuming, painful and redundant. Therefore, I totally recommend it.

3. Do the 'pencil test' and play limbo in the dark.
For all of you familiar with Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging (although, I'm sure this actually has origins somewhere else), the pencil test is where you stick a pencil between your boobs. If you squeeze 'em together and the pencil stays, you have enough boobs. If it falls to the ground, or you find yourself saying "Pencil, what pencil? Where'd it go? ZOMGMYBOOBSATEMYPENCIL!" then you either have too little or too much in the boobage department. It is a shallow and altogether pretty degrading 'test' that doesn't really indicate anything, because good boobs are in the eye of the beholder. Anyway, you'll all be happy to know that I apparently have perfectly sized breasts. Dear God, I am so ashamed that I just said that. I'm only comfortable writing about this, because I really don't put any sexual-ness on boobs. They're just fat and mammory glads, whoop-dee. That said, I don't exactly have any experience in intimate tiemz, so I'm not the most qualified to knock them off the list of sexualised body parts. Okay, this is reeeeally going down the wrong path. The aim of 'pencil-test-limbo' is to try and limbo under things, without the pencil falling out from... Yeah. Oh, and seeing as it's in the dark, you can't really see where your limbo piece of furniture etc. is, sooo, good luck not hitting it. And no, this is not anything weird or kinky, it's just for lolz. I'd like to see a guy attempt this haha.

4. Stargaze.
Now, for something more normal. Seriously, just going out and looking at the stars can be so good for you. I find that it gives you the opportunity to get perspective on your life and what's really important. It also allows you to clear your mind, because you're away from worldly temptations like the Internet. And, let's face it, the night sky is just so beautiful. You can make up your own constellations, or look for the ones that you already know. Or both. If you're religious, I also recommend having a chat with God under the stars. These seem to go better for me than when I'm cooped up indoors, and maybe it could work for you too.

5. Rob your own house.
Not for real, because that would just be dumb. Taking things from areas of your house, and then replacing them, can be quite a fun game. Especially when you get really daring, and try to take things from beside people's beds and then- "OHCRAPTHEYMOVED! FREEZEANDPRAY!" I've found that replacing said objects proves to be even harder than taking them in the first place, because you can't exactly just run if you're trying to put it back. It's also great to pretend to be a ninja, while 'robbing'. Trying to make lol-ful nunchucks out of old earphones and assorted desk-dwelling-objects isn't so great. Excalibur was so ashamed of me. I got given a look of "U fail."

So, there you have it. For those of you who, like me, don't like to get up to weird kinky stuff a night, you now have a list of weird, pointless, random, weird, crazy, weird things to do. I can't believe I managed to hold in my laughter while trialing these things, because some of my escapade were quite hilarious. Plus, I'm not known for being able to contain laughter at times that I need to. Hope you are enjoying equally random, but not equally weird escapades in your own lives. Peace out, kiddiechunks!